Today's Roller Coaster

So, I was going to have breakfast with mom this morning and either she would ask about the huge bruise and iv puncture wound on the back of my hand, or she was just going to ignore my fictional drug problem. I waited and and about 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there I called...mad...because my mom is always either late or forgets. This time it was neither and I felt like an ass for being mad. The ambulance was arriving at her house because she was having chest pains.

I am hysterical at this point. The thought of my mom being gone before I really had a chance to be clear with her was too much. The thought spending time in a hospital near her husband just put me over the edge. After all, she already picked. He is the one that can be there for her, I cannot. She picked and this was her decision, not mine. I'm angry that in the face of the anxiety about what's going to happen to my mom the old family dynamic opens up a vein of hurt.

So, I get to the hospital and as if there was any doubt she cleared it right up when the ER staff says only one guest. I tell her husband I'm just going to be a minute to check on her, hug her and leave. Luckily, he agrees to this because she's telling the personnel her husband must accompany her. She looked fine. Vitals were normal, speaking and acting like herself. Nothing out of the ordinary. She describes the pain to me and it sounds like it could be her anxiety, acid reflux or gerd. I leave.

I come back after they admit her to take her favorite treat...cherry jelly beans. I ask if there is anything else she needs and because I SUCK as a human being I actually get upset that she asks me to go buy her some pajamas. Who the hell gets upset about running an errand for their mother when 4 hours prior they were upset their mom may be having a heart attack? Apparently, immature self centered people like myself.

On the way to buy the pajamas I tried to figure out what was hurting me so much. Why was I feeling so hateful about something I should feel so grateful to be able to do? Then, it occurred to me...I really wanted to be able to open up and share with her today and I just cannot. It drives me crazy that even though I haven't point blank told her anything, she doesn't know me well enough to know what's really happening. Is that my fault for shutting her out all this time, or is it her fault for always sticking her head in the sand? I don't really know. Maybe it's nobody's fault because even though we are related we really don't know each other at all.

Then, I reflected on January's miscarriage when I sat in church and cried like a baby and Cindy's mom sat right there, not knowing anything, but knowing everything. I asked Cindy about that today and she said her mom asked her if I lost a baby because nobody cries like that over a house. She knew without even being told because she knows me and sees me more often than my own mom. How is that? How can someone else's mom know me better than my own?

How did it get to this point? How do I even repair this?