Work...I Just Could Not Do It

I had to leave.

This morning I really talked myself into going. I wanted to just call in. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and makeup, ate breakfast, packed a lunch, got dressed and left for the day. I zoned out on the way there. The CD I was listening too was stupid. Carrie Underwood is an idiot and she clearly has issues if no man wants to stick around a cute blonde like her. I got to work 2 minutes until 8am. My first patient never showed up, so I restocked my room and developed some xrays for my co-worker. I was resisting the urge to call my friend, Amie. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I felt like I really needed to talk to her. So when my friend, Becky, called I walked out to the stairwell and took the call. I just lost it. Ugly cry. All the make up washed away. I went back inside and told the receptionist that I couldn't work today and needed to tell the doctor. He was very kind about it. I could tell he was concerned. He wanted Jamie to come get me, but I knew that would only make me feel worse. I decided to have a cream soda and calm down. I drove home. Numb. I feel sort of better now that I'm snuggled next to my pillow with my laptop on my tummy. I still want to cry and just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't get it. I felt reasonably good all weekend. The emotions would come in small waves, but today...going back to "normal" just felt impossible.

Jamie and I have a world of emotions going on between the two of us right now. He wants me to lean on him, but I know he needs space to feel his own grief. He's feeling it this time. It was real to him. The bruises from the iv in some weird way are an outward sign to a guy that bad stuff went on. Talking to the doctor, seeing a head, body and tiny little arms and legs, hearing a heart beat. This time it was real to him and he's finally feeling the pain I've felt with each loss. I cannot imagine feeling all three at once.

I keep checking for fever. I feel achy all over and just tired. I don't know if it's just the pain of the grief, hormones out of whack, or actual pain finally setting in. I just feel like I want to hide in a hole.