Sigh

I've been putting off writing this all day. I know I need to do it now, or I never will. I also know I will feel better after writing it. Where to start.

So, I had a dream the night before about a deep sea fishing trip. Jamie and I caught some sort of rare fish. These fish were unusual because they had four spots along their tails similar to the single spot a red fish would have. These fish were huge...there was no hiding them from the game warden. I tried, but we were busted. I told Jamie about the dream on our way to the hospital and he agreed it was weird for me to dream about fishing.

We parked in spot number 4 in the garage.

Jamie did a great job of keeping me calm during the waiting. He brought a laptop and dvds (even New Moon...totally for me). He was patient the entire time and was very attentive to anything I needed when we came home.

I have to say that Woman's Hospital of Texas earned their rank on US Reports top 50. Every single medical auxiliary was kind beyond measure. Each and every time I met someone new they introduced themselves, explained what they would be doing and skillfully did their job. Everyone took their time with me and did everything they could to cause me as little discomfort as possible. There had to be at least 8-10 people that took care of me while I was there and every single one of them was outstanding. The little things like jazz music playing before surgery, heated hospital gowns and new entertainment magazines to pass the time really helped me stay calm as silly as it may seem.

Jamie LOVES Dr. Pinell. Yes, that's right...Mr. Picky couldn't say enough nice things about him. He was really comforted by the interaction they had and told me he could tell he genuinely cared.

So, I'm hooked up to my IV and in a bed waiting for surgery and I notice the bed across from me is #5. I tip my head back to read what bed I'm in...you guessed it. Four.

Before surgery Dr. Pinell shared with me about how after 5 live births and 4 miscarriages it never got easier for him and his wife when they lost a child. He told me he was sure it was even more painful for us since we don't have any children and that we should keep trying because they are worth it. Seriously, he is the kindest person and I feel so blessed to have him as my doctor. At this point, I think God (Fisher of Men...remember the fish dream?) is telling me FOUR. Sadly, I think He's telling me there is one more loss ahead, but after that it will be okay.

I wake up in recovery and a very nice nurse named Carmen gave me some Demerol. When she's trying to get me to wake up a little more and leave the post op room she starts visiting with me. I of course ask her about her children. You guessed it...four. She tells me that her fourth child, Kevin, was a surprise baby. She also told me they didn't think he would make it since he was born prematurely and the first year of his life was touch and go. So, now I start thinking God is telling me baby #4 will be the one and this will all be over.

Of course I prayed. I don't know what He is saying with four, but I know he's saying it. Either one more loss ahead, or the next baby I will get to hold in my arms. I don't know, but I do know I matter to God and so do each of my babies.

As far as my recovery goes, it's been easy. I know I am covered in prayer because without it I would be a big ole mess. I've had very little pain and have taken nothing more than Advil for any cramps. The bleeding is so light I barely need a panty liner. Physically, I feel better than expected. As far as emotions go, they come and go like waves. I will be fine, then it will hit me what happened. I don't know if it is the hormones, or if this is just normal grief. I miss that heart beat. I know Jamie does too. He's angry. He looks at himself as my protector and there is nothing he can do to protect me from this. He's helpless.

I have a post op appointment on the 27th. I don't think all of the pathology will be complete then. In the meantime, I had all of my records from the RE transferred over. They ran so many tests last summer I just want to be sure nothing fell through the cracks.

I have a great support system that is lifting me up in prayer. I'm sad, but blessed.