Well Woman

The visit went well...excluding the panic attack. Popped a xanax on the way home.

The doctor is so nice. He even asked how Jamie was dealing with the loss.

Soooo, I had blood work today. Crossing my fingers it's negative. If it is, then I can take an hpt after my November cycle and start TTC if that is negative.  A little freaked about that. Cannot breathe.

A Quiet House is a Sad House

Well, Gracie went in for her spay today. I love that dog in a way that is probably neurotic to most people. Jamie feels the same. There is a really sweet vet tech that has bonded with Gracie at all of her puppy visits and seeing her today and knowing she would be in the surgery made me feel better. I was okay dropping her off.

Coming home to a big, empty, quiet house is a different story. No wiggle butt here to lick my face and gaze at me with those big brown eyes. No sound of panting, or sniffing around. None of that funny little exhale sigh that I suspect only Boxers do. The depression hits me hard when I'm in an empty house. It makes me realize that much more how much she's done to calm my anxiety and focus my attention on something other than myself and my pain. This little puppy made me happy again when my heart felt so broken and I am so thankful for her and her little turned up snout.

Who Do I Lean On?

So, Jamie and I were talking about things this weekend. We had some alone time. Not easy since we are living with friends while the house is being finished, but we went to a hotel and chilled just the two of us. Of course, the loss was brought up. Jamie said he felt bad because he's supposed to be there for me to lean on, but who is he supposed to lean on. Certainly not his family. The dynamic is just off. Sad, but true. It's hard to explain. It hurts me so much to know they have this amazing son that they really haven't bothered to get to know and really don't show any interest in spending time together. Family is supposed to be who you call when things get tough, but neither one of us do that. We confide in each other. We are our only family. And when we need someone more than each other we lean on the family we've created. Amazing friends. There for you no matter what. It doesn't matter if you are feeling crazy and most people would leave you alone to self destruct THESE people...the people that matter...are THERE. You know who you are. Love you.

Work...I Just Could Not Do It

I had to leave.

This morning I really talked myself into going. I wanted to just call in. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and makeup, ate breakfast, packed a lunch, got dressed and left for the day. I zoned out on the way there. The CD I was listening too was stupid. Carrie Underwood is an idiot and she clearly has issues if no man wants to stick around a cute blonde like her. I got to work 2 minutes until 8am. My first patient never showed up, so I restocked my room and developed some xrays for my co-worker. I was resisting the urge to call my friend, Amie. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I felt like I really needed to talk to her. So when my friend, Becky, called I walked out to the stairwell and took the call. I just lost it. Ugly cry. All the make up washed away. I went back inside and told the receptionist that I couldn't work today and needed to tell the doctor. He was very kind about it. I could tell he was concerned. He wanted Jamie to come get me, but I knew that would only make me feel worse. I decided to have a cream soda and calm down. I drove home. Numb. I feel sort of better now that I'm snuggled next to my pillow with my laptop on my tummy. I still want to cry and just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't get it. I felt reasonably good all weekend. The emotions would come in small waves, but today...going back to "normal" just felt impossible.

Jamie and I have a world of emotions going on between the two of us right now. He wants me to lean on him, but I know he needs space to feel his own grief. He's feeling it this time. It was real to him. The bruises from the iv in some weird way are an outward sign to a guy that bad stuff went on. Talking to the doctor, seeing a head, body and tiny little arms and legs, hearing a heart beat. This time it was real to him and he's finally feeling the pain I've felt with each loss. I cannot imagine feeling all three at once.

I keep checking for fever. I feel achy all over and just tired. I don't know if it's just the pain of the grief, hormones out of whack, or actual pain finally setting in. I just feel like I want to hide in a hole.

Sigh

I've been putting off writing this all day. I know I need to do it now, or I never will. I also know I will feel better after writing it. Where to start.

So, I had a dream the night before about a deep sea fishing trip. Jamie and I caught some sort of rare fish. These fish were unusual because they had four spots along their tails similar to the single spot a red fish would have. These fish were huge...there was no hiding them from the game warden. I tried, but we were busted. I told Jamie about the dream on our way to the hospital and he agreed it was weird for me to dream about fishing.

We parked in spot number 4 in the garage.

Jamie did a great job of keeping me calm during the waiting. He brought a laptop and dvds (even New Moon...totally for me). He was patient the entire time and was very attentive to anything I needed when we came home.

I have to say that Woman's Hospital of Texas earned their rank on US Reports top 50. Every single medical auxiliary was kind beyond measure. Each and every time I met someone new they introduced themselves, explained what they would be doing and skillfully did their job. Everyone took their time with me and did everything they could to cause me as little discomfort as possible. There had to be at least 8-10 people that took care of me while I was there and every single one of them was outstanding. The little things like jazz music playing before surgery, heated hospital gowns and new entertainment magazines to pass the time really helped me stay calm as silly as it may seem.

Jamie LOVES Dr. Pinell. Yes, that's right...Mr. Picky couldn't say enough nice things about him. He was really comforted by the interaction they had and told me he could tell he genuinely cared.

So, I'm hooked up to my IV and in a bed waiting for surgery and I notice the bed across from me is #5. I tip my head back to read what bed I'm in...you guessed it. Four.

Before surgery Dr. Pinell shared with me about how after 5 live births and 4 miscarriages it never got easier for him and his wife when they lost a child. He told me he was sure it was even more painful for us since we don't have any children and that we should keep trying because they are worth it. Seriously, he is the kindest person and I feel so blessed to have him as my doctor. At this point, I think God (Fisher of Men...remember the fish dream?) is telling me FOUR. Sadly, I think He's telling me there is one more loss ahead, but after that it will be okay.

I wake up in recovery and a very nice nurse named Carmen gave me some Demerol. When she's trying to get me to wake up a little more and leave the post op room she starts visiting with me. I of course ask her about her children. You guessed it...four. She tells me that her fourth child, Kevin, was a surprise baby. She also told me they didn't think he would make it since he was born prematurely and the first year of his life was touch and go. So, now I start thinking God is telling me baby #4 will be the one and this will all be over.

Of course I prayed. I don't know what He is saying with four, but I know he's saying it. Either one more loss ahead, or the next baby I will get to hold in my arms. I don't know, but I do know I matter to God and so do each of my babies.

As far as my recovery goes, it's been easy. I know I am covered in prayer because without it I would be a big ole mess. I've had very little pain and have taken nothing more than Advil for any cramps. The bleeding is so light I barely need a panty liner. Physically, I feel better than expected. As far as emotions go, they come and go like waves. I will be fine, then it will hit me what happened. I don't know if it is the hormones, or if this is just normal grief. I miss that heart beat. I know Jamie does too. He's angry. He looks at himself as my protector and there is nothing he can do to protect me from this. He's helpless.

I have a post op appointment on the 27th. I don't think all of the pathology will be complete then. In the meantime, I had all of my records from the RE transferred over. They ran so many tests last summer I just want to be sure nothing fell through the cracks.

I have a great support system that is lifting me up in prayer. I'm sad, but blessed.

Pre Op

Today. Sad day...pre op. I had another sonogram. For sure no cardiac activity. I did take another photo home of our baby. The baby was finally looking a little more like a person and less like a blob and it just felt right to have. I think it made Jamie more upset though because he wasn't just looking at a blob that had a heartbeat 4 days ago. He bought me flowers.

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I know I will get through it, but I'm just nervous about the unknown. There was quite a bit of cramping tonight and I was hoping to just do this naturally at home, but I don't think that's going to happen and I don't want to sit around and wait for the inevitable. I just want to get it over with. That was the big difference between the ectopic and January's miscarriage. The ectopic dragged on and on, but the last miscarriage was fast and I was able to move on with my grief better.

I'm on the fence about telling my mom and sister. ugh...it's just so hard because I don't want to have to comfort them, but at the same time I feel unfair not letting them in. I just don't have clarity in it.

Ultrasound Appointment

Well, my first ultrasound appointment got moved up to next Tuesday at 10:15am. Hcg was at 9598!! Based on last week's number and the rule that hcg doubles every 48 hours I'm over almost 3k! whooo hooo There has been a lot of "twin talk" from my fertility support group. Funny stuff. Most of the ladies that had blood work done at 5 weeks had numbers closer to 3k or 4k.

I'm hoping to see the heart beat, but understand that 6weeks is early for an ultrasound and I'm not going to be disappointed if it's not yet visible. I'm excited that Jamie is going to the appointment...this should be a lot more fun than the last couple of times he's watched me get an ultrasound.

Allergies

Most of my allergies cleared up after I had sinus surgery a few years ago. Because Jamie still suffers from allergies too we are careful to vacuum and change the sheets way more often than normal people do. That's also one of the reasons we didn't get another kitty after Keoni passed. As much as he and I both LOVE cats they just make us miserable....And I mean LOVE. I've never met a man that loves cats more than Jamie. It's one of the things I love about him.

Before I even knew I was pregnant I was sneezing daily and feeling some post nasal drip. Now that I know I'm pregnant I'm waking up with itchy, stuffy nose. Apparently, hormones can cause this. I think I'm going to try the good old faithful Neil Med Sinus Rinse before I do anything else. S0 far, they are not bad enough that I want to start taking Benadryl.

Hormones are GREAT!

Normally, when Jamie goes out of town I'm so anxious and I can hardly sleep. When I do sleep with him gone it's usually restless and I wake up several times a night.

Well, Jamie's gone. I'm actually pretty impressed with him. He's running a relay race from Gonzales to San Jacinto.

The funny thing is I slept like a rock last night. I could hardly stay awake long enough for him to call me to let me know he arrived safely in Gonzales! lol and I was still dead asleep when he called me this morning to let me know the race was starting.

This is Why We Don't Tell Anyone

Last night I came home, didn't feel quite right. I was still spotting and had a very mild lower back cramp. I didn't feel much like dinner, but had some tomato soup. I felt some discomfort similar to constipation and had increased spotting. Three hours later, I was throwing up and just wanted to sleep. I woke up at 3:15am with heavy cramps and severe bleeding and clots. My head was aching and my body was not right. I took a hot bath and the cramps subsided enough for me to sleep for another two hours. I figured there was no need to go to the ER at Women's Hospital. There wasn't anything they could really *do*. I called the office right when they opened and his nurse took my call right away. She told me my hcg from yesterday's blood draw was only 5. I went into the office to see Dr. Irwin and he told me that while my progesterone was in the normal range, it was at the low end of normal. He said the good news is there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to achieve pregnancy again. He also said that next time I will need to call and get a progesterone prescription. He said it's just bad luck.

I called my best friend of over 25 years because even though Jamie loves me to the moon and back, it's just different for guys. Male humans are not male penguins. She talked it over with her sister who is a NICU RN at Women's and I got a name for a new ob that specializes in high risk pregnancy. I think I may go see him. I'm not sure. I love Dr. Irwin, and I think he's smart as all get out, but sometimes I think I need something more. I cannot shake the feeling that if I got my results sooner and had progesterone this pregnancy might have been viable. There is just no telling. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on one thing at a time.

Today, I will rest. I will listen for God, pray and rest.

Happy Anniversary

We went to Cork Wine Bar!! Jamie knew I had been wanting to try their dinner menu, so when Cindy and Jesse gave us a gift certificate we knew we had to go.

I've gone a few times with the girls for wine, but kept trying to tell Jamie about their beer selection. When we got there he told me he wanted to try wine and I told him NO WAY! just get the beers because that's what you love...don't be something you're not. kwim?

I started with an Australian Shiraz and he had a Wheat beer similar to a Hefeweizen. We shared Shiner Bock Beer battered fresh mozzarella sticks and jumbo lump crab meat crab cakes. Then, we had mixed field greens salad with fresh Roma tomatoes and balsamic. I had tastings of a couple of Shiraz and Zinfandel from California and Brazil. I finally settled on a glass of Pinot Noir from Spain. Jamie had another beer...it was another Weisse-something or another from Germany...lol wish I could remember the name. Jamie ordered some sort of pepperoni pizza. Thankfully, he wasn't famished because as good as it was there were 4 pieces about the size of a deck of cards. He was pretty amused by his pizza. The find of the night was a Brazilian Beer called Xingu. Jamie decided it was only fitting since he loves all things Brazil... Brazilian Ju Jitsu, hot Brazilian babes wearing thong bikinis and Reef sandals. lol Sadly, their chocolate lava cake was an 86 on the menu. We opted for their Bananas Foster pie. It made us appreciate Perry's table side Flambe Bananas Foster even more than we already do.

It was nice. The vibe isn't about rushing you out the door there, so we had time to sit, visit, relax and enjoy time with each other without feeling pressured to give up our table.

This HAS to Work...

Jamie is still feeling torn about if doing the iui was the right thing. He just think it doesn't feel 'natural'. Sigh, we tried natural. This HAS to work. I don't think there will be a next time and I just don't know that we will ever get pregnant on our own. I will be 33 in August.

My Husband, The Prince...

What a guy. He did the nicest, most sincere show of his love I think he has ever done for me today. We went through with the iui. I am so grateful to him and know this wasn't an easy step.

I was nervous, wondering if I was making the right decision. All that Free Will can make your brain swim sometimes. I woke up about 4am...very nervous/anxious. I was feeling pukey from all the nerves, so I took a hot bath to try to calm down.

We got to the doctors office early to give them a sample. The sperm was washed to separate sperm cells and get rid of dead or slow-moving sperm as well as additional chemicals that may impair fertilization.

After that, the sperm was inserted through the cervix and placed deep into the uterus through a fine catheter. The procedure was less painful than a pap smear. Of course, Dr. Irwin was chit chatting the entire time. I don't know what it is about that guy, but he has some sort of calming effect on women. He's a good doctor.

So, now I wait to test. I haven't quite decided if I will wait only 10 days and take a test on Mother's Day. That would be fun. If I thought I could hold out I would wait until our anniversary on May 15th, but I doubt that will happen.

I feel good. I feel optimistic. I know God has dealt with MUCH bigger things that this.

Hard to Describe

I've been working with the group that does Summer Kids Club and got invited to check into doing some skits on Sunday mornings for the kids. I have to say, I've been feeling this pull that I've been resisting. When I was in there today I had to leave the room to cry. It's just so overwhelming. These precious kids singing about the Love Jesus has for them. These parents that entrust them to our care every week. I was just overcome. I think this is where I'm supposed to be, but it's just so hard. I don't have a family. Some would argue that Jamie is my family, but I feel really disconnected because of where he is at spiritually. I feel really alone. I just don't know when it will finally be MY turn to have a baby.