Long Overdue

So, it took me a long time to write this and it is long overdue.

The pathology reports came back as a partial mole pregnancy. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx

This means 6 to 12 months before we can start trying again. My life on hold. Again.

The hormone storm was raging. When you think about it I have been pregnant off and on since December. My hcg levels where as high as they were going to get to support a pregnancy and when they left I had the "baby blues" without a baby. This is something that is not often discussed and I didn't even know it was a possibility. How can you have postpartum depression without a child? Yes, I was sad because I lost a child, but this was MORE than that. I was having thoughts of driving my car into a line of trees...not suicidal, I just wanted a "break". I was enraged by any little thing and poor Jamie got the brunt of my crazy. I blamed the restless nights on staying at Extended Stay America while the house was being finished, but when I went to the doctor and really said it all...laid it all out...it made perfect sense when he told me it was ppd.

I am a control freak by nature and as much as I hate to admit it having my "things" in storage for the last 16 months has been a tremendous strain. I love Jamie, but staying in a hotel room for longer than a week was never something I thought we would have to do.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made this year and see how much depression and hormones caused me to react in ways I would have never otherwise reacted. I hurt a lot of people.

Looking forward, I am keeping my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on June 8th. I am going to work on feeling better. Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

When it gets right down to it I am blessed. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Instead of looking at all the flaws of my life I need to look at all the good things.

Houston, We Have a Heart Beat

Okay, so here it is...the sonogram. Dr. Pinell says he saw a flicker of a heart beat and if he had to guess he would say about 100 for the heart rate (very normal). He said we are not out of the woods yet and the miscarriage rate is still 20-25% at this point.

Jamie was very excited he only saw one gestational sac, but Dr. Pinell made sure to tell him there could be a second hiding out. haha

The next step will be another sonogram next week and review the SEVEN vials of blood work they drained from me. Vampires.

I'm really excited to have this photo and have some proof there is blood flowing between me and my baby, I'm a life source right now for this .23cm miracle that God has blessed us with.

Ultrasound Appointment

Well, my first ultrasound appointment got moved up to next Tuesday at 10:15am. Hcg was at 9598!! Based on last week's number and the rule that hcg doubles every 48 hours I'm over almost 3k! whooo hooo There has been a lot of "twin talk" from my fertility support group. Funny stuff. Most of the ladies that had blood work done at 5 weeks had numbers closer to 3k or 4k.

I'm hoping to see the heart beat, but understand that 6weeks is early for an ultrasound and I'm not going to be disappointed if it's not yet visible. I'm excited that Jamie is going to the appointment...this should be a lot more fun than the last couple of times he's watched me get an ultrasound.

603

That's an excellent number for hcg to be at for 4 weeks! It didn't double, but I'm at the level that a person should be at for 5 weeks gestation. whoooo hooo!!!!

I've had some back ache concentrated on the left side and some bloated/pinching feelings on the left side.

Sadly, I just cannot help myself. I keep checking for spotting every time I wipe, but I know that's just the devil telling me lies and I need to just be happy I'm here and enjoy this pregnancy.

The first ultrasound appointment is March 30th at 1pm and I'm super excited to see and hear the heart beat.

oh, and we stumbled upon a nick name. lol Klondike. What would you do ooo oo for a Klondike bar? We're dorks. We know this and embrace our dork-hood.

Good News

HCG is 208
Progesterone is 47.5

Both are good, but the real insight will happen with tomorrow's blood work. Praying for HCG in 400s and steady progesterone.

I had a tiny bit of brown spotting this morning, so I'm taking it easy.

Love, love, love the new Doctor's office. His assistant, Tisha, is a GOD send. When I started crying about the spotting and wanting to get in sooner she was so calm, and it calmed me. When she shared about how she's still not a mom after five losses and she *really* understood how I felt. I am totally bringing her chocolate to my first appointment. ha ha.

Well, I'm just going to try to relax and if I'm not at work I'm going to chill out on the sofa.

Cautiously Optimistic

I don't know how or by what miracle of God it happened, but PRAISE GOD I'm pregnant again. I was actually on a mental break from "trying" and we only had sex once. Go figure.

I had my bloodwork yesterday and I'm waiting to hear back about my hcg and progesterone levels. I started my progesterone supplement last night as a precaution.

I just pray this is it. I am just READY. Nov 10th due date.

This is Why We Don't Tell Anyone

Last night I came home, didn't feel quite right. I was still spotting and had a very mild lower back cramp. I didn't feel much like dinner, but had some tomato soup. I felt some discomfort similar to constipation and had increased spotting. Three hours later, I was throwing up and just wanted to sleep. I woke up at 3:15am with heavy cramps and severe bleeding and clots. My head was aching and my body was not right. I took a hot bath and the cramps subsided enough for me to sleep for another two hours. I figured there was no need to go to the ER at Women's Hospital. There wasn't anything they could really *do*. I called the office right when they opened and his nurse took my call right away. She told me my hcg from yesterday's blood draw was only 5. I went into the office to see Dr. Irwin and he told me that while my progesterone was in the normal range, it was at the low end of normal. He said the good news is there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to achieve pregnancy again. He also said that next time I will need to call and get a progesterone prescription. He said it's just bad luck.

I called my best friend of over 25 years because even though Jamie loves me to the moon and back, it's just different for guys. Male humans are not male penguins. She talked it over with her sister who is a NICU RN at Women's and I got a name for a new ob that specializes in high risk pregnancy. I think I may go see him. I'm not sure. I love Dr. Irwin, and I think he's smart as all get out, but sometimes I think I need something more. I cannot shake the feeling that if I got my results sooner and had progesterone this pregnancy might have been viable. There is just no telling. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on one thing at a time.

Today, I will rest. I will listen for God, pray and rest.

Still Spotting

Well, I'm still spotting and it's increased. I also have a low back ache. The doctor said when I'm not at work to just put my feet up as much as possible.

The results from Wednesday's blood work said my progesterone was good and my hcg was only 14, but that's acceptable for now. The important thing will be what today's blood work reveals. I'm praying that the numbers are above 60. They are supposed to double every 24 hours. I'm handing it over to God because there really isn't anything I can do about it. Nothing I do or don't do can change a single thing.

I had a great first day at the new office. Super nice doctor and staff. Very low key. There doesn't appear to be any drama and that's a refreshing change of pace. Ten bucks say tomorrow is a mad house at my other office. Plus, the new office listens to KSBJ!! whoo hooo

Happy New Year!!

2010. Seems like just yesterday we freaked out over Y2K.

I am a different person than I was that NYE. Weird to think about...

I'm anxious to hear the hcg numbers on Monday. Every single pregnancy test I've taken has such a faint line. If it wasn't for the digital test reading, "PREGNANT" I would be flipping out right now.

Okay, about this milk thing. What's up with that? lol I detest milk and I'm somehow forcing two glasses down a day plus some yogurt. I always hear people joke about the lengthens they will go to for their children, but jeeze louise!