That's the Thing About Blogging

We all know if you don't write it, then it never really happened. Right?

A month ago my sister came over with the kids...greeting card in hand and a heart full of self reproach. She was 6 weeks pregnant. My husband washed the dishes. He couldn't do or say anything but wash the dishes. I told her I would love this child as much as I love the other two, but I needed her to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. Her last pregnancy should be savored. Every moment.

She asked me to go to the ultrasound and try as I might I just couldn't put my big girl panties on and make it happen.  Thankfully, she was more than understanding. She told me I should blog about it because she knows it helps me. She told me if I wanted she wouldn't read just this post, or this month, or this blog. It was entirely up to me.

Now that I've had my breakdown I'm okay. I sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I let my stinky little puppy lick every tear from my face and my sweet husband pick me up, hold me and tell me our turn would happen.

I struggled. Again. I cried, got drunk, got belligerent and said some hateful things to God.

It took me a month to write this because I just had to get to a point where I could write it and not be completely hysterical. I don't want my little niece or nephew to look back and see that I didn't love them. I want them to look back and see that I understand they are the greatest gift God could ever give and I love them so much that I want to know how it feels to be a mommy and not just an aunt.

Well Woman

The visit went well...excluding the panic attack. Popped a xanax on the way home.

The doctor is so nice. He even asked how Jamie was dealing with the loss.

Soooo, I had blood work today. Crossing my fingers it's negative. If it is, then I can take an hpt after my November cycle and start TTC if that is negative.  A little freaked about that. Cannot breathe.

Well Woman

So, tomorrow is my well woman appointment. I'm nervous.

Nervous to have bloodwork.

Nervous he may say November is a no go.

Nervous he may say we can start trying right away.

Trying right away scares me the most and I'm not sure why.

An Underwater Oil Leak

I was listening to the latest on the BP oil leak and thought about how life's bigger issues are sometimes like an underwater oil leak.

Those really big, life changing issues gush out in a huge rush at first. You FREAK out because you have no idea how you're going to fix it. It's under the surface and you don't think anyone will notice, but soon enough it starts flowing on shore. You try to do it all by yourself, but you just cannot manage. By that time there is a huge mess and you need everyone to help you. You cry out to God, your closest friends and family, anyone who will listen. Sharing with them helps slow the leak. It's not entirely fixed, but it isn't erupting at a break neck pace. It's slower, more controlled. The issue is still there, but you have the team you need to help you clean up your mistake and move forward. The incident will be something you remember forever and will likely leave a stain on your heart until the day you die, but you get past it.

Pre Op

Today. Sad day...pre op. I had another sonogram. For sure no cardiac activity. I did take another photo home of our baby. The baby was finally looking a little more like a person and less like a blob and it just felt right to have. I think it made Jamie more upset though because he wasn't just looking at a blob that had a heartbeat 4 days ago. He bought me flowers.

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I know I will get through it, but I'm just nervous about the unknown. There was quite a bit of cramping tonight and I was hoping to just do this naturally at home, but I don't think that's going to happen and I don't want to sit around and wait for the inevitable. I just want to get it over with. That was the big difference between the ectopic and January's miscarriage. The ectopic dragged on and on, but the last miscarriage was fast and I was able to move on with my grief better.

I'm on the fence about telling my mom and sister. ugh...it's just so hard because I don't want to have to comfort them, but at the same time I feel unfair not letting them in. I just don't have clarity in it.

Oh My Aching Boobies

Ouch! Swollen, tender. I have to wear a sports bra 24-7. They feel bigger and that's a scary thought given the size I am naturally.

I've been having a bit of insomnia and have to get up to tinkle at least twice a night. Highly unusual for me.

I am so excited about next Tuesday's ultrasound. I just CAN NOT wait!!!

Well, tonight I see my mom and it's going to be at a mixer with wine around. I just hope she doesn't notice I'm not drinking. Hopefully, it will be so fun/busy she won't even think twice about it. It's hard to see the people you love and not tell them, but I know why we do it. After you see the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage reduces to 7%. Plus, I'm probably going to see Jamie's mom Sunday. The last time I saw her she showed me a framed photo of her bosses children and I told her I could give her a photo of my empty uterus if she was so inclined. lol Obviously wine was responsible for that statement.

Cautiously Optimistic

I don't know how or by what miracle of God it happened, but PRAISE GOD I'm pregnant again. I was actually on a mental break from "trying" and we only had sex once. Go figure.

I had my bloodwork yesterday and I'm waiting to hear back about my hcg and progesterone levels. I started my progesterone supplement last night as a precaution.

I just pray this is it. I am just READY. Nov 10th due date.

This is Why We Don't Tell Anyone

Last night I came home, didn't feel quite right. I was still spotting and had a very mild lower back cramp. I didn't feel much like dinner, but had some tomato soup. I felt some discomfort similar to constipation and had increased spotting. Three hours later, I was throwing up and just wanted to sleep. I woke up at 3:15am with heavy cramps and severe bleeding and clots. My head was aching and my body was not right. I took a hot bath and the cramps subsided enough for me to sleep for another two hours. I figured there was no need to go to the ER at Women's Hospital. There wasn't anything they could really *do*. I called the office right when they opened and his nurse took my call right away. She told me my hcg from yesterday's blood draw was only 5. I went into the office to see Dr. Irwin and he told me that while my progesterone was in the normal range, it was at the low end of normal. He said the good news is there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to achieve pregnancy again. He also said that next time I will need to call and get a progesterone prescription. He said it's just bad luck.

I called my best friend of over 25 years because even though Jamie loves me to the moon and back, it's just different for guys. Male humans are not male penguins. She talked it over with her sister who is a NICU RN at Women's and I got a name for a new ob that specializes in high risk pregnancy. I think I may go see him. I'm not sure. I love Dr. Irwin, and I think he's smart as all get out, but sometimes I think I need something more. I cannot shake the feeling that if I got my results sooner and had progesterone this pregnancy might have been viable. There is just no telling. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on one thing at a time.

Today, I will rest. I will listen for God, pray and rest.

I Know, I Know...

it's too early. I still was hoping, so when I saw only one line it was disappointing. I will wait and test again on the 15th. That would be a pretty sweet anniversary present.

This HAS to Work...

Jamie is still feeling torn about if doing the iui was the right thing. He just think it doesn't feel 'natural'. Sigh, we tried natural. This HAS to work. I don't think there will be a next time and I just don't know that we will ever get pregnant on our own. I will be 33 in August.

Hard to Describe

I've been working with the group that does Summer Kids Club and got invited to check into doing some skits on Sunday mornings for the kids. I have to say, I've been feeling this pull that I've been resisting. When I was in there today I had to leave the room to cry. It's just so overwhelming. These precious kids singing about the Love Jesus has for them. These parents that entrust them to our care every week. I was just overcome. I think this is where I'm supposed to be, but it's just so hard. I don't have a family. Some would argue that Jamie is my family, but I feel really disconnected because of where he is at spiritually. I feel really alone. I just don't know when it will finally be MY turn to have a baby.

It Doesn't Get Any Easier

Brown spotting tonight. I will probably start my period in 2-3 days.

I called the office to go over all of the instructions, fees and insurance for iui.

Now I'm just waiting for my period, so that I can wait to ovulate, so that I can wait to test.

I'm doing a lot of waiting. I will wait and I will pray.

Prayer is the discipline by which God gives us the ability to wait. To preserve. To dream again. And to trust.

-Angela Thomas

6 more weeks

Only six more weeks and Jamie and I can start trying again. It's been hard taking this break and waiting for the new insurance to kick in.

I think part of the challenge is that I believe for the first time that Jamie is really on board 110%. Back in August right before we started our insurance hiatus he told me, "I guess everyone is right. You just cannot plan it."

Look at us, we are proof of that. We wait to get our debts in order, get the baby makin' groove on, get pregnant and BOOM! lose the baby to ectopic. THEN, we lose another six months of baby making to the methotrexate shot, waiting for my Hcg to get to zero, more waiting on my period and the very anticipated hysterosalpingogram. Fun times ... chemotherapy shot in the ass, human pin cushion getting blood drawn several times a week followed by a catheter shooting dye into my cervix and x-rays of my pelvic cavity. All during the wonderful Holiday Season. Can you feel the Spirit of the Season?

We get the all clear, try another six months and there you have it. We find out no insurance until December.

I know, I know. Just opt for Cobra, right? Wrong. At almost $900 a month it's just not prudent for someone that just took a 60% cut in pay.

I know what you are thinking now. I should just buy insurance outright. Have you tried that recently? Try that with a history of ectopic pregnancy (just for fun). I'm going to have issues of rejection to deal with after all of those insurance companies turned me down.

What's that? Just go ahead and try. You can wait on prenatal care until you get insurance in December. Good idea, let's risk my life and another big, fat bill to Women's Hospital of Texas.

They probably give a cash discount to uninsured patients, right? WRONG.

Just go for it. Medicade can pay for it. Real Responsible.

Okay, I guess I'm done with my rant. I'm just happy it's only 6 more weeks of waiting. Only one more missed ovulation until we can start trying again. tick tock I'm 32