That's the Thing About Blogging

We all know if you don't write it, then it never really happened. Right?

A month ago my sister came over with the kids...greeting card in hand and a heart full of self reproach. She was 6 weeks pregnant. My husband washed the dishes. He couldn't do or say anything but wash the dishes. I told her I would love this child as much as I love the other two, but I needed her to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. Her last pregnancy should be savored. Every moment.

She asked me to go to the ultrasound and try as I might I just couldn't put my big girl panties on and make it happen.  Thankfully, she was more than understanding. She told me I should blog about it because she knows it helps me. She told me if I wanted she wouldn't read just this post, or this month, or this blog. It was entirely up to me.

Now that I've had my breakdown I'm okay. I sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I let my stinky little puppy lick every tear from my face and my sweet husband pick me up, hold me and tell me our turn would happen.

I struggled. Again. I cried, got drunk, got belligerent and said some hateful things to God.

It took me a month to write this because I just had to get to a point where I could write it and not be completely hysterical. I don't want my little niece or nephew to look back and see that I didn't love them. I want them to look back and see that I understand they are the greatest gift God could ever give and I love them so much that I want to know how it feels to be a mommy and not just an aunt.

Well Woman

So, tomorrow is my well woman appointment. I'm nervous.

Nervous to have bloodwork.

Nervous he may say November is a no go.

Nervous he may say we can start trying right away.

Trying right away scares me the most and I'm not sure why.

An Underwater Oil Leak

I was listening to the latest on the BP oil leak and thought about how life's bigger issues are sometimes like an underwater oil leak.

Those really big, life changing issues gush out in a huge rush at first. You FREAK out because you have no idea how you're going to fix it. It's under the surface and you don't think anyone will notice, but soon enough it starts flowing on shore. You try to do it all by yourself, but you just cannot manage. By that time there is a huge mess and you need everyone to help you. You cry out to God, your closest friends and family, anyone who will listen. Sharing with them helps slow the leak. It's not entirely fixed, but it isn't erupting at a break neck pace. It's slower, more controlled. The issue is still there, but you have the team you need to help you clean up your mistake and move forward. The incident will be something you remember forever and will likely leave a stain on your heart until the day you die, but you get past it.

The Plan

I talked to the nurse at Dr. Irwin's office. He wants me to try iui 3 times before he refers me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

I'm not sure what I really want to do. I go back and forth. Part of me wants to do three iui in a row, but another part of me really wants to relax and try every other cycle on our own. I mentioned both to Jamie and he did not really give any feedback. I'm hoping we can talk about it more this weekend.

I will not go see the RE until after we are moved into the house. It's really just too much. Right now I want to just stick with Dr. Irwin. I trust him, he's been my doctor for 11 years and the guy knows his stuff. They don't let just anyone be Chief.

TWW is Ending...

I am getting my period. I left a message with the doctor asking what our next step is.

I'm not too surprised. I am almost positive I stressed out and delayed my ovulation.

I think I'm going to browse some books and find a good one to help Jamie understand the process a little better. They really need to write a book from a man's perspective.

I Know, I Know...

it's too early. I still was hoping, so when I saw only one line it was disappointing. I will wait and test again on the 15th. That would be a pretty sweet anniversary present.

The Two Week Wait

It's unbearable. grrrr

I just wish I could pee on a stick already and get an answer. I've never been a patient person. Somehow waiting every month to find out always seems like a cruel joke. Especially when the verdict is a glaring NOT PREGNANT on some stupid Clear Blue Easy stick. It's almost like it's mocking me.

I'm testing Sunday (early, I know) just in case. The tests say it is 80-something percent accurate 5 days prior to your missed period.

You know, the deeper you delve into this and the more openly you talk to people the more people you find that went through fertility treatments. It's really amazing. I think it's because we are having our children so much later in life. I regret the years I was on the pill. I regret the years I thought, 'just one more milestone, one more bill paid off or one more measure of success before we start trying'. It seems pretty pointless now.

I do however wish that the housing market was more like the two week wait between ovulation and menses. lol It is just dragging on. Only two showings since we went back on the market. If people were at least LOOKING I would feel more hopeful. **sigh** I guess I should go shine my sink and vacuum the floors just in case.

Long Time No Blog

That's because this whole buying and selling a house business has sucked the life out of me. I honestly don't even want to blog about it because I'm so irritated at this point and I'm trying to just let it go.

Some good news is I don't need shoulder surgery. I've been doing the physical therapy pretty hard core. There is a small tear in my labrum, but not worth having surgery unless my symptoms get worse. It really only hurts when I work. **sigh** I try to be pretty diligent about stretching out before, during and after work.

On the TTC front, I'm CD 14 and no dice on the monitor or the opk.

Really irritating thing happened. I have a VERY good friend that was trying for over a year to get pregnant. I was ecstatic for her when she finally did get pregnant after being told ART was her only option. The thing is, she bitched and moaned the entire time I was with her last weekend about how fat she is. Ummm, no you way 125 pounds at 21 weeks. You're fine...you were just a twig before.

I'm Out.

I just know it. All the symptoms are there. I'm sure I will start my period sometime next week.

It never gets easier.

Time to Relax

Today was nice. We had a much needed break in doing 'house stuff''. It's all busy work right now anyways. I'm glad to be in the contract phase and not having to shine my sink and mirror every day before I leave. Living in a staged home is exhausting. Always wondering if you raised the blinds for people to catch a water view, did you leave your cereal bowl in the sink, did you put away that book you were reading...

Jamie got back from out of town and I think we had some pretty well timed baby making. I think the Wheat Germ Oil and Omega 3 Oil made me ovulate a little later than normal. Maybe it will be a good thing.

My friend's teenage daughter was telling me how she wanted to adopt two baby girls one day and name them Coraline and Wednesday. lol She's such a cute girl. She asked me what I wanted baby wise and I told her I would be happy either way. She said, "no, really...what do you want?" I guess she was not expecting me to say either way I would be happy. When I was her age I didn't even think I wanted kids.

Frustration

I am so frustrated. I counted the days and it looks like I will ovulate on a Saturday. Now, that wouldn't be a big deal for me to do the iui on Saturday, but it falls the same day as my mom's 50th birthday party. I just don't thing logistically I will have time and be able to rest properly afterwards.

I'm just so tired of this. I want to cry. I just want a baby already.

I had a mini meltdown earlier this week. Jamie told me he's sad we were so responsible all those years. It's crazy really when you think about all the money we spent on birth control. I will NEVER go back on the pill.

It's Come to THIS?!?!

I am taking Wheat Germ Oil and Omega 3 capsules three times a day. I read some anecdotal evidence that suggests it increases fertility. If I do not ovulate on the weekend and Jamie is not out of town for work we are going to do an iui (intrauterine insemination). They wash the sperm and use a canula to deposit them through the cervix.

Tick Tock

Almost time to test.

I'm having one of the worst acne break outs of my life. Y'all know I NEVER have acne. Maybe one pimple with my period, but NEVER more than that. I will refrain from photographing the blemishes.

I'm going to wait a few days to test. I cannot handle the heartbreak of one line anymore.

Surrender

I have no idea when I'm going to ovulate. I'm not even sure if I'm having fertile cervical mucous. I'm just too tired of TTC to care. I guess when Jamie's ready we will go try the iui. I'm sick of being the one to be proactive in everything. He knows that is what Dr. Irwin said would be the next step. I feel a certain freedom in that, but a certain sadness too. At what point will he wake up? I surrender this to God.

Elevator Stomach

Ever have a moment where your stomach goes from the 92nd floor all the way to the basement in 3 seconds flat? It leaves you wanting to vomit.

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled on myspace and saw an acquaintance was 19 weeks pregnant and 10 weeks married. Fun times. I thought I would throw up right there. I thought I was a better person than this, but I felt a lot of bitterness bubbling.

Negative Pee Sticks

They put me in a negative mood. I had two really blank ones this weekend. I don't know WHY I torture myself and test early. Two weeks is WAY too long to wait. Two weeks **sigh** more like two years!

More OPKs

Here is the opk from Thursday night:



Perfect for baby makin'!

One Month Later

Wow, it's been a month since I posted. That's not to say nothing has happened, but we have just been so busy.

Last month was a weird month. We were not really 'trying' for a baby when I ovulated since we are still without insurance until December 1st, but Jamie was feeling like we should go ahead and try. I gotta tell you...negative pregnancy tests never get easier to look at.

I know he is 1000000% on board this month. I feel really optimistic. I cannot explain it. I just feel like this is the month. I've never felt like that before.

Jamie asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told him I wanted to be pregnant! No lie. He said he would see what he could do. I told him if I didn't get pregnant this time, then next month I want to do intrauterine insemination. I don't particularly care for the idea of us using a lab to insert his sperm through my cervix, but hey...beggars cannot be choosers. Isn't that how the saying goes?

I did overcome one obstacle and maybe it's why I feel so optimistic. I've had this mental block that would not allow me to pray for a baby. I know it sounds stupid, but if He knows the desires of my heart and knows my prayers by just a sigh I kind of felt like that was going to be enough. I felt guilty praying for a child when so many people need prayer for so many things that are much more essential to their lives. I almost felt selfish praying for a baby when I get prayer requests for cancer, death, despair. The list goes on and on. I decided to not only start a journal of what I'm reading, understanding and applying from the Bible, but to journal my prayer requests. I want to have a written record that will allow me to go back and see how every thing has been answered.

6 more weeks

Only six more weeks and Jamie and I can start trying again. It's been hard taking this break and waiting for the new insurance to kick in.

I think part of the challenge is that I believe for the first time that Jamie is really on board 110%. Back in August right before we started our insurance hiatus he told me, "I guess everyone is right. You just cannot plan it."

Look at us, we are proof of that. We wait to get our debts in order, get the baby makin' groove on, get pregnant and BOOM! lose the baby to ectopic. THEN, we lose another six months of baby making to the methotrexate shot, waiting for my Hcg to get to zero, more waiting on my period and the very anticipated hysterosalpingogram. Fun times ... chemotherapy shot in the ass, human pin cushion getting blood drawn several times a week followed by a catheter shooting dye into my cervix and x-rays of my pelvic cavity. All during the wonderful Holiday Season. Can you feel the Spirit of the Season?

We get the all clear, try another six months and there you have it. We find out no insurance until December.

I know, I know. Just opt for Cobra, right? Wrong. At almost $900 a month it's just not prudent for someone that just took a 60% cut in pay.

I know what you are thinking now. I should just buy insurance outright. Have you tried that recently? Try that with a history of ectopic pregnancy (just for fun). I'm going to have issues of rejection to deal with after all of those insurance companies turned me down.

What's that? Just go ahead and try. You can wait on prenatal care until you get insurance in December. Good idea, let's risk my life and another big, fat bill to Women's Hospital of Texas.

They probably give a cash discount to uninsured patients, right? WRONG.

Just go for it. Medicade can pay for it. Real Responsible.

Okay, I guess I'm done with my rant. I'm just happy it's only 6 more weeks of waiting. Only one more missed ovulation until we can start trying again. tick tock I'm 32