An Underwater Oil Leak

I was listening to the latest on the BP oil leak and thought about how life's bigger issues are sometimes like an underwater oil leak.

Those really big, life changing issues gush out in a huge rush at first. You FREAK out because you have no idea how you're going to fix it. It's under the surface and you don't think anyone will notice, but soon enough it starts flowing on shore. You try to do it all by yourself, but you just cannot manage. By that time there is a huge mess and you need everyone to help you. You cry out to God, your closest friends and family, anyone who will listen. Sharing with them helps slow the leak. It's not entirely fixed, but it isn't erupting at a break neck pace. It's slower, more controlled. The issue is still there, but you have the team you need to help you clean up your mistake and move forward. The incident will be something you remember forever and will likely leave a stain on your heart until the day you die, but you get past it.

Sisterly Love

So, my sister and I bonded in a big way. I was praying for the right moment, the right opportunity, to speak my heart when she opened up and said the unexpected. These where things I knew in my heart, but wasn't able to really see as the truth because she denied it so much. Funny thing is you can feel miles apart from someone, have totally different struggles, but when you get down to it you both have the same faulty wiring.

Sam and I are nothing alike. We were never close as children. She was seven years younger than me. I spent the first 3 years of her life adoring her...until she wanted to copy me, follow me, do everything I did...about age 13 or 14 I decided I needed space from the whole family. I felt like I was suffocating in a secret. A lie. This secret was way past ripe. It was rotting. Right off the vine. It made me stink to the core. Sam didn't get the courtesy of full disclosure because of her age. Looking back, I see how this made it that much harder for her to understand my separation from her.

For a long time I dealt with feelings that I couldn't seem to make other people (therapists, counselors, pastors, mentors, my husband) understand. I felt like I abandoned her. I left her behind. She was safe, but I left during that time where our age made us worlds apart and wondered if we would ever be true friends. As young adults we were kind to one another, but I would have never thought of her when I was listing friends.

The grief, anxiety and self hate I was suffering with was eating at her too. In my gut I knew all along she was hurting, but her tornado went a different way from my hurricane. While we were both volatile forces, we both dealt with it in our own ways. Somehow opening that door and letting everything out brought us to a place of understanding. She and I both were hurt by things out of our control.

I love my sister. I always have, but we're different now and I am happy for this change.

Long Overdue

So, it took me a long time to write this and it is long overdue.

The pathology reports came back as a partial mole pregnancy. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx

This means 6 to 12 months before we can start trying again. My life on hold. Again.

The hormone storm was raging. When you think about it I have been pregnant off and on since December. My hcg levels where as high as they were going to get to support a pregnancy and when they left I had the "baby blues" without a baby. This is something that is not often discussed and I didn't even know it was a possibility. How can you have postpartum depression without a child? Yes, I was sad because I lost a child, but this was MORE than that. I was having thoughts of driving my car into a line of trees...not suicidal, I just wanted a "break". I was enraged by any little thing and poor Jamie got the brunt of my crazy. I blamed the restless nights on staying at Extended Stay America while the house was being finished, but when I went to the doctor and really said it all...laid it all out...it made perfect sense when he told me it was ppd.

I am a control freak by nature and as much as I hate to admit it having my "things" in storage for the last 16 months has been a tremendous strain. I love Jamie, but staying in a hotel room for longer than a week was never something I thought we would have to do.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made this year and see how much depression and hormones caused me to react in ways I would have never otherwise reacted. I hurt a lot of people.

Looking forward, I am keeping my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on June 8th. I am going to work on feeling better. Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

When it gets right down to it I am blessed. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Instead of looking at all the flaws of my life I need to look at all the good things.

Who Do I Lean On?

So, Jamie and I were talking about things this weekend. We had some alone time. Not easy since we are living with friends while the house is being finished, but we went to a hotel and chilled just the two of us. Of course, the loss was brought up. Jamie said he felt bad because he's supposed to be there for me to lean on, but who is he supposed to lean on. Certainly not his family. The dynamic is just off. Sad, but true. It's hard to explain. It hurts me so much to know they have this amazing son that they really haven't bothered to get to know and really don't show any interest in spending time together. Family is supposed to be who you call when things get tough, but neither one of us do that. We confide in each other. We are our only family. And when we need someone more than each other we lean on the family we've created. Amazing friends. There for you no matter what. It doesn't matter if you are feeling crazy and most people would leave you alone to self destruct THESE people...the people that matter...are THERE. You know who you are. Love you.

Today's Roller Coaster

So, I was going to have breakfast with mom this morning and either she would ask about the huge bruise and iv puncture wound on the back of my hand, or she was just going to ignore my fictional drug problem. I waited and and about 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there I called...mad...because my mom is always either late or forgets. This time it was neither and I felt like an ass for being mad. The ambulance was arriving at her house because she was having chest pains.

I am hysterical at this point. The thought of my mom being gone before I really had a chance to be clear with her was too much. The thought spending time in a hospital near her husband just put me over the edge. After all, she already picked. He is the one that can be there for her, I cannot. She picked and this was her decision, not mine. I'm angry that in the face of the anxiety about what's going to happen to my mom the old family dynamic opens up a vein of hurt.

So, I get to the hospital and as if there was any doubt she cleared it right up when the ER staff says only one guest. I tell her husband I'm just going to be a minute to check on her, hug her and leave. Luckily, he agrees to this because she's telling the personnel her husband must accompany her. She looked fine. Vitals were normal, speaking and acting like herself. Nothing out of the ordinary. She describes the pain to me and it sounds like it could be her anxiety, acid reflux or gerd. I leave.

I come back after they admit her to take her favorite treat...cherry jelly beans. I ask if there is anything else she needs and because I SUCK as a human being I actually get upset that she asks me to go buy her some pajamas. Who the hell gets upset about running an errand for their mother when 4 hours prior they were upset their mom may be having a heart attack? Apparently, immature self centered people like myself.

On the way to buy the pajamas I tried to figure out what was hurting me so much. Why was I feeling so hateful about something I should feel so grateful to be able to do? Then, it occurred to me...I really wanted to be able to open up and share with her today and I just cannot. It drives me crazy that even though I haven't point blank told her anything, she doesn't know me well enough to know what's really happening. Is that my fault for shutting her out all this time, or is it her fault for always sticking her head in the sand? I don't really know. Maybe it's nobody's fault because even though we are related we really don't know each other at all.

Then, I reflected on January's miscarriage when I sat in church and cried like a baby and Cindy's mom sat right there, not knowing anything, but knowing everything. I asked Cindy about that today and she said her mom asked her if I lost a baby because nobody cries like that over a house. She knew without even being told because she knows me and sees me more often than my own mom. How is that? How can someone else's mom know me better than my own?

How did it get to this point? How do I even repair this?

Pre Op

Today. Sad day...pre op. I had another sonogram. For sure no cardiac activity. I did take another photo home of our baby. The baby was finally looking a little more like a person and less like a blob and it just felt right to have. I think it made Jamie more upset though because he wasn't just looking at a blob that had a heartbeat 4 days ago. He bought me flowers.

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I know I will get through it, but I'm just nervous about the unknown. There was quite a bit of cramping tonight and I was hoping to just do this naturally at home, but I don't think that's going to happen and I don't want to sit around and wait for the inevitable. I just want to get it over with. That was the big difference between the ectopic and January's miscarriage. The ectopic dragged on and on, but the last miscarriage was fast and I was able to move on with my grief better.

I'm on the fence about telling my mom and sister. ugh...it's just so hard because I don't want to have to comfort them, but at the same time I feel unfair not letting them in. I just don't have clarity in it.

Oh My Aching Boobies

Ouch! Swollen, tender. I have to wear a sports bra 24-7. They feel bigger and that's a scary thought given the size I am naturally.

I've been having a bit of insomnia and have to get up to tinkle at least twice a night. Highly unusual for me.

I am so excited about next Tuesday's ultrasound. I just CAN NOT wait!!!

Well, tonight I see my mom and it's going to be at a mixer with wine around. I just hope she doesn't notice I'm not drinking. Hopefully, it will be so fun/busy she won't even think twice about it. It's hard to see the people you love and not tell them, but I know why we do it. After you see the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage reduces to 7%. Plus, I'm probably going to see Jamie's mom Sunday. The last time I saw her she showed me a framed photo of her bosses children and I told her I could give her a photo of my empty uterus if she was so inclined. lol Obviously wine was responsible for that statement.

The Two Week Wait

It's unbearable. grrrr

I just wish I could pee on a stick already and get an answer. I've never been a patient person. Somehow waiting every month to find out always seems like a cruel joke. Especially when the verdict is a glaring NOT PREGNANT on some stupid Clear Blue Easy stick. It's almost like it's mocking me.

I'm testing Sunday (early, I know) just in case. The tests say it is 80-something percent accurate 5 days prior to your missed period.

You know, the deeper you delve into this and the more openly you talk to people the more people you find that went through fertility treatments. It's really amazing. I think it's because we are having our children so much later in life. I regret the years I was on the pill. I regret the years I thought, 'just one more milestone, one more bill paid off or one more measure of success before we start trying'. It seems pretty pointless now.

I do however wish that the housing market was more like the two week wait between ovulation and menses. lol It is just dragging on. Only two showings since we went back on the market. If people were at least LOOKING I would feel more hopeful. **sigh** I guess I should go shine my sink and vacuum the floors just in case.

Christmas Break

It's been great having the time off to spend with everyone.

There's so much going on in my mind that I don't really know where to start...
I guess I will just leave with the thought of how excited I am for 2009. This was a tough year and so much happened it really feels more like 5 years since we were ringing in 2008.

When I sit back and reflect it doesn't seem possible that only a year has past. This year did so much to transform me forever as a person. I grew closer to Christ, learned more about myself and examined the relationships in my life with a new perspective.

I learned what it means to be a Tree.

I am so thankful for the knowlege that has been given to me in Faith.


Ezekiel 47
The River From the Temple

The man brought me back to the entrance to the temple, and I saw water coming out from under the threshold of the temple toward the east (for the temple faced east). The water was coming down from under the south side of the temple, south of the altar. He then brought me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the outer gate facing east, and the water was trickling from the south side.
As the man went eastward with a measuring line in his hand, he measured off a thousand cubits and then led me through water that was ankle-deep. He measured off another thousand cubits and led me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another thousand and led me through water that was up to the waist. He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in—a river that no one could cross. He asked me, "Son of man, do you see this?"
Then he led me back to the bank of the river. When I arrived there, I saw a great number of trees on each side of the river. He said to me, "This water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah, where it enters the Dead Sea. When it empties into the sea, the salty water there becomes fresh. Swarms of living creatures will live wherever the river flows. There will be large numbers of fish, because this water flows there and makes the salt water fresh; so where the river flows everything will live. People will fish along the shore; from En Gedi to En Eglaim there will be places for spreading nets. The fish will be of many kinds—like the fish of the Mediterranean Sea. But the swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they will be left for salt. Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear fruit, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."

6 more weeks

Only six more weeks and Jamie and I can start trying again. It's been hard taking this break and waiting for the new insurance to kick in.

I think part of the challenge is that I believe for the first time that Jamie is really on board 110%. Back in August right before we started our insurance hiatus he told me, "I guess everyone is right. You just cannot plan it."

Look at us, we are proof of that. We wait to get our debts in order, get the baby makin' groove on, get pregnant and BOOM! lose the baby to ectopic. THEN, we lose another six months of baby making to the methotrexate shot, waiting for my Hcg to get to zero, more waiting on my period and the very anticipated hysterosalpingogram. Fun times ... chemotherapy shot in the ass, human pin cushion getting blood drawn several times a week followed by a catheter shooting dye into my cervix and x-rays of my pelvic cavity. All during the wonderful Holiday Season. Can you feel the Spirit of the Season?

We get the all clear, try another six months and there you have it. We find out no insurance until December.

I know, I know. Just opt for Cobra, right? Wrong. At almost $900 a month it's just not prudent for someone that just took a 60% cut in pay.

I know what you are thinking now. I should just buy insurance outright. Have you tried that recently? Try that with a history of ectopic pregnancy (just for fun). I'm going to have issues of rejection to deal with after all of those insurance companies turned me down.

What's that? Just go ahead and try. You can wait on prenatal care until you get insurance in December. Good idea, let's risk my life and another big, fat bill to Women's Hospital of Texas.

They probably give a cash discount to uninsured patients, right? WRONG.

Just go for it. Medicade can pay for it. Real Responsible.

Okay, I guess I'm done with my rant. I'm just happy it's only 6 more weeks of waiting. Only one more missed ovulation until we can start trying again. tick tock I'm 32