Things I Am Thankful For.

In no particular order:

My health.
My husband.
My best friends.
My puppy.
My niece and nephew.
My cheetah clogs.
My ability to love.
My home.
My career.
My ability to be flexible.
My ability to stick to my morals.
My critical thinking skills.
My baking skills.
My bed.
My God that died for every person's sins...not just my own.
My morbid sense of humor.
My husband. So nice that I listed him twice. :)
My ability to love others.
My support circle.
My mad photo taking skillz.
My budget stretching ways.
My doctor.
My laugh.
My sweet potato souffle.
My sense of empathy.
My ability to adapt.
My Lush Bubble Bath Collection.

Long Overdue

So, it took me a long time to write this and it is long overdue.

The pathology reports came back as a partial mole pregnancy. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx

This means 6 to 12 months before we can start trying again. My life on hold. Again.

The hormone storm was raging. When you think about it I have been pregnant off and on since December. My hcg levels where as high as they were going to get to support a pregnancy and when they left I had the "baby blues" without a baby. This is something that is not often discussed and I didn't even know it was a possibility. How can you have postpartum depression without a child? Yes, I was sad because I lost a child, but this was MORE than that. I was having thoughts of driving my car into a line of trees...not suicidal, I just wanted a "break". I was enraged by any little thing and poor Jamie got the brunt of my crazy. I blamed the restless nights on staying at Extended Stay America while the house was being finished, but when I went to the doctor and really said it all...laid it all out...it made perfect sense when he told me it was ppd.

I am a control freak by nature and as much as I hate to admit it having my "things" in storage for the last 16 months has been a tremendous strain. I love Jamie, but staying in a hotel room for longer than a week was never something I thought we would have to do.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made this year and see how much depression and hormones caused me to react in ways I would have never otherwise reacted. I hurt a lot of people.

Looking forward, I am keeping my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on June 8th. I am going to work on feeling better. Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

When it gets right down to it I am blessed. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Instead of looking at all the flaws of my life I need to look at all the good things.

Even Keel

So, I finally feel like the dust is settling a little.

Yesterday I had some physical pain that felt like a lot of pressure, but thankfully it's almost gone. I just didn't expect to be hurting a week later.

The hormones must be leveling out because I'm not nearly as emotional. I am bracing myself for a melt down tomorrow. *sigh* I know...it sounds stupid. I just think if I expect it I can pray about it and it will be okay.

It's funny because all last week my girls were emailing, calling and checking on me and I just wanted to be alone. Today some kind of page flipped in my mind and I felt lonely and had to call girls until someone finally answered. I know...pathetic.

My mom's okay...she has arthritis in her neck, an infection in her lung and high cholesterol.

As far as the house goes...only time will tell. I did pick out a bad ass lone star door today.

Work...I Just Could Not Do It

I had to leave.

This morning I really talked myself into going. I wanted to just call in. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and makeup, ate breakfast, packed a lunch, got dressed and left for the day. I zoned out on the way there. The CD I was listening too was stupid. Carrie Underwood is an idiot and she clearly has issues if no man wants to stick around a cute blonde like her. I got to work 2 minutes until 8am. My first patient never showed up, so I restocked my room and developed some xrays for my co-worker. I was resisting the urge to call my friend, Amie. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I felt like I really needed to talk to her. So when my friend, Becky, called I walked out to the stairwell and took the call. I just lost it. Ugly cry. All the make up washed away. I went back inside and told the receptionist that I couldn't work today and needed to tell the doctor. He was very kind about it. I could tell he was concerned. He wanted Jamie to come get me, but I knew that would only make me feel worse. I decided to have a cream soda and calm down. I drove home. Numb. I feel sort of better now that I'm snuggled next to my pillow with my laptop on my tummy. I still want to cry and just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't get it. I felt reasonably good all weekend. The emotions would come in small waves, but today...going back to "normal" just felt impossible.

Jamie and I have a world of emotions going on between the two of us right now. He wants me to lean on him, but I know he needs space to feel his own grief. He's feeling it this time. It was real to him. The bruises from the iv in some weird way are an outward sign to a guy that bad stuff went on. Talking to the doctor, seeing a head, body and tiny little arms and legs, hearing a heart beat. This time it was real to him and he's finally feeling the pain I've felt with each loss. I cannot imagine feeling all three at once.

I keep checking for fever. I feel achy all over and just tired. I don't know if it's just the pain of the grief, hormones out of whack, or actual pain finally setting in. I just feel like I want to hide in a hole.

Sigh

I've been putting off writing this all day. I know I need to do it now, or I never will. I also know I will feel better after writing it. Where to start.

So, I had a dream the night before about a deep sea fishing trip. Jamie and I caught some sort of rare fish. These fish were unusual because they had four spots along their tails similar to the single spot a red fish would have. These fish were huge...there was no hiding them from the game warden. I tried, but we were busted. I told Jamie about the dream on our way to the hospital and he agreed it was weird for me to dream about fishing.

We parked in spot number 4 in the garage.

Jamie did a great job of keeping me calm during the waiting. He brought a laptop and dvds (even New Moon...totally for me). He was patient the entire time and was very attentive to anything I needed when we came home.

I have to say that Woman's Hospital of Texas earned their rank on US Reports top 50. Every single medical auxiliary was kind beyond measure. Each and every time I met someone new they introduced themselves, explained what they would be doing and skillfully did their job. Everyone took their time with me and did everything they could to cause me as little discomfort as possible. There had to be at least 8-10 people that took care of me while I was there and every single one of them was outstanding. The little things like jazz music playing before surgery, heated hospital gowns and new entertainment magazines to pass the time really helped me stay calm as silly as it may seem.

Jamie LOVES Dr. Pinell. Yes, that's right...Mr. Picky couldn't say enough nice things about him. He was really comforted by the interaction they had and told me he could tell he genuinely cared.

So, I'm hooked up to my IV and in a bed waiting for surgery and I notice the bed across from me is #5. I tip my head back to read what bed I'm in...you guessed it. Four.

Before surgery Dr. Pinell shared with me about how after 5 live births and 4 miscarriages it never got easier for him and his wife when they lost a child. He told me he was sure it was even more painful for us since we don't have any children and that we should keep trying because they are worth it. Seriously, he is the kindest person and I feel so blessed to have him as my doctor. At this point, I think God (Fisher of Men...remember the fish dream?) is telling me FOUR. Sadly, I think He's telling me there is one more loss ahead, but after that it will be okay.

I wake up in recovery and a very nice nurse named Carmen gave me some Demerol. When she's trying to get me to wake up a little more and leave the post op room she starts visiting with me. I of course ask her about her children. You guessed it...four. She tells me that her fourth child, Kevin, was a surprise baby. She also told me they didn't think he would make it since he was born prematurely and the first year of his life was touch and go. So, now I start thinking God is telling me baby #4 will be the one and this will all be over.

Of course I prayed. I don't know what He is saying with four, but I know he's saying it. Either one more loss ahead, or the next baby I will get to hold in my arms. I don't know, but I do know I matter to God and so do each of my babies.

As far as my recovery goes, it's been easy. I know I am covered in prayer because without it I would be a big ole mess. I've had very little pain and have taken nothing more than Advil for any cramps. The bleeding is so light I barely need a panty liner. Physically, I feel better than expected. As far as emotions go, they come and go like waves. I will be fine, then it will hit me what happened. I don't know if it is the hormones, or if this is just normal grief. I miss that heart beat. I know Jamie does too. He's angry. He looks at himself as my protector and there is nothing he can do to protect me from this. He's helpless.

I have a post op appointment on the 27th. I don't think all of the pathology will be complete then. In the meantime, I had all of my records from the RE transferred over. They ran so many tests last summer I just want to be sure nothing fell through the cracks.

I have a great support system that is lifting me up in prayer. I'm sad, but blessed.

125 Beats Per Minute

What a fabulous heartbeat, PRAISE GOD! I could see it just flickering so fast right away. I could hear the swish, swish, swish of MY BABY. My baby, inside me. It took everything in me not to break down and cry right there on the sonogram table.

With the brown spotting I'm still at a 20% chance for miscarriage and have a refill script for progesterone. The level was good (33).

Something did show up out of level on my thyroid screening, so they took another vial of blood for a full range.

As far as my doctor is concerned the symptoms I have (sore breasts, fatigue, nausea) are good. I of course was concerned they come and go and he said that can happen.

Today was kind of a bad day for nausea and fatigue. I worked through it and as always was happy to have it since it's a sign things are going well.

Oh My Aching Boobies

Ouch! Swollen, tender. I have to wear a sports bra 24-7. They feel bigger and that's a scary thought given the size I am naturally.

I've been having a bit of insomnia and have to get up to tinkle at least twice a night. Highly unusual for me.

I am so excited about next Tuesday's ultrasound. I just CAN NOT wait!!!

Well, tonight I see my mom and it's going to be at a mixer with wine around. I just hope she doesn't notice I'm not drinking. Hopefully, it will be so fun/busy she won't even think twice about it. It's hard to see the people you love and not tell them, but I know why we do it. After you see the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage reduces to 7%. Plus, I'm probably going to see Jamie's mom Sunday. The last time I saw her she showed me a framed photo of her bosses children and I told her I could give her a photo of my empty uterus if she was so inclined. lol Obviously wine was responsible for that statement.

Allergies

Most of my allergies cleared up after I had sinus surgery a few years ago. Because Jamie still suffers from allergies too we are careful to vacuum and change the sheets way more often than normal people do. That's also one of the reasons we didn't get another kitty after Keoni passed. As much as he and I both LOVE cats they just make us miserable....And I mean LOVE. I've never met a man that loves cats more than Jamie. It's one of the things I love about him.

Before I even knew I was pregnant I was sneezing daily and feeling some post nasal drip. Now that I know I'm pregnant I'm waking up with itchy, stuffy nose. Apparently, hormones can cause this. I think I'm going to try the good old faithful Neil Med Sinus Rinse before I do anything else. S0 far, they are not bad enough that I want to start taking Benadryl.