Things I Am Thankful For.

In no particular order:

My health.
My husband.
My best friends.
My puppy.
My niece and nephew.
My cheetah clogs.
My ability to love.
My home.
My career.
My ability to be flexible.
My ability to stick to my morals.
My critical thinking skills.
My baking skills.
My bed.
My God that died for every person's sins...not just my own.
My morbid sense of humor.
My husband. So nice that I listed him twice. :)
My ability to love others.
My support circle.
My mad photo taking skillz.
My budget stretching ways.
My doctor.
My laugh.
My sweet potato souffle.
My sense of empathy.
My ability to adapt.
My Lush Bubble Bath Collection.

Well Woman

The visit went well...excluding the panic attack. Popped a xanax on the way home.

The doctor is so nice. He even asked how Jamie was dealing with the loss.

Soooo, I had blood work today. Crossing my fingers it's negative. If it is, then I can take an hpt after my November cycle and start TTC if that is negative.  A little freaked about that. Cannot breathe.

A Quiet House is a Sad House

Well, Gracie went in for her spay today. I love that dog in a way that is probably neurotic to most people. Jamie feels the same. There is a really sweet vet tech that has bonded with Gracie at all of her puppy visits and seeing her today and knowing she would be in the surgery made me feel better. I was okay dropping her off.

Coming home to a big, empty, quiet house is a different story. No wiggle butt here to lick my face and gaze at me with those big brown eyes. No sound of panting, or sniffing around. None of that funny little exhale sigh that I suspect only Boxers do. The depression hits me hard when I'm in an empty house. It makes me realize that much more how much she's done to calm my anxiety and focus my attention on something other than myself and my pain. This little puppy made me happy again when my heart felt so broken and I am so thankful for her and her little turned up snout.

An Underwater Oil Leak

I was listening to the latest on the BP oil leak and thought about how life's bigger issues are sometimes like an underwater oil leak.

Those really big, life changing issues gush out in a huge rush at first. You FREAK out because you have no idea how you're going to fix it. It's under the surface and you don't think anyone will notice, but soon enough it starts flowing on shore. You try to do it all by yourself, but you just cannot manage. By that time there is a huge mess and you need everyone to help you. You cry out to God, your closest friends and family, anyone who will listen. Sharing with them helps slow the leak. It's not entirely fixed, but it isn't erupting at a break neck pace. It's slower, more controlled. The issue is still there, but you have the team you need to help you clean up your mistake and move forward. The incident will be something you remember forever and will likely leave a stain on your heart until the day you die, but you get past it.

Sisterly Love

So, my sister and I bonded in a big way. I was praying for the right moment, the right opportunity, to speak my heart when she opened up and said the unexpected. These where things I knew in my heart, but wasn't able to really see as the truth because she denied it so much. Funny thing is you can feel miles apart from someone, have totally different struggles, but when you get down to it you both have the same faulty wiring.

Sam and I are nothing alike. We were never close as children. She was seven years younger than me. I spent the first 3 years of her life adoring her...until she wanted to copy me, follow me, do everything I did...about age 13 or 14 I decided I needed space from the whole family. I felt like I was suffocating in a secret. A lie. This secret was way past ripe. It was rotting. Right off the vine. It made me stink to the core. Sam didn't get the courtesy of full disclosure because of her age. Looking back, I see how this made it that much harder for her to understand my separation from her.

For a long time I dealt with feelings that I couldn't seem to make other people (therapists, counselors, pastors, mentors, my husband) understand. I felt like I abandoned her. I left her behind. She was safe, but I left during that time where our age made us worlds apart and wondered if we would ever be true friends. As young adults we were kind to one another, but I would have never thought of her when I was listing friends.

The grief, anxiety and self hate I was suffering with was eating at her too. In my gut I knew all along she was hurting, but her tornado went a different way from my hurricane. While we were both volatile forces, we both dealt with it in our own ways. Somehow opening that door and letting everything out brought us to a place of understanding. She and I both were hurt by things out of our control.

I love my sister. I always have, but we're different now and I am happy for this change.

Long Overdue

So, it took me a long time to write this and it is long overdue.

The pathology reports came back as a partial mole pregnancy. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx

This means 6 to 12 months before we can start trying again. My life on hold. Again.

The hormone storm was raging. When you think about it I have been pregnant off and on since December. My hcg levels where as high as they were going to get to support a pregnancy and when they left I had the "baby blues" without a baby. This is something that is not often discussed and I didn't even know it was a possibility. How can you have postpartum depression without a child? Yes, I was sad because I lost a child, but this was MORE than that. I was having thoughts of driving my car into a line of trees...not suicidal, I just wanted a "break". I was enraged by any little thing and poor Jamie got the brunt of my crazy. I blamed the restless nights on staying at Extended Stay America while the house was being finished, but when I went to the doctor and really said it all...laid it all out...it made perfect sense when he told me it was ppd.

I am a control freak by nature and as much as I hate to admit it having my "things" in storage for the last 16 months has been a tremendous strain. I love Jamie, but staying in a hotel room for longer than a week was never something I thought we would have to do.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made this year and see how much depression and hormones caused me to react in ways I would have never otherwise reacted. I hurt a lot of people.

Looking forward, I am keeping my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on June 8th. I am going to work on feeling better. Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

When it gets right down to it I am blessed. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Instead of looking at all the flaws of my life I need to look at all the good things.