This Time

This loss is different than the last. This was fast. No weekly blood draws, no methotrexate shots, no weeks of wondering. In just one week I went from finding out the good news, to spotting, to losing.

This time is different because I had my fertility support group. I think Jamie 'gets' why I'm so attached to a group of ladies on the Internet. He was as blown away as I was about the outreach. Cindy brought me soup...good for the soul. Just to let us know she loves us.

I want to reach out. I want to tell my mom, my sister, but I don't. I don't because right now I'm having my feelings and I don't want to give them grief about something nobody has any control over. Sharing with them, or with Jamie's mom wouldn't divide my grief. It would only compound it. Make me feel like less. I wish there were better words.

This is Why We Don't Tell Anyone

Last night I came home, didn't feel quite right. I was still spotting and had a very mild lower back cramp. I didn't feel much like dinner, but had some tomato soup. I felt some discomfort similar to constipation and had increased spotting. Three hours later, I was throwing up and just wanted to sleep. I woke up at 3:15am with heavy cramps and severe bleeding and clots. My head was aching and my body was not right. I took a hot bath and the cramps subsided enough for me to sleep for another two hours. I figured there was no need to go to the ER at Women's Hospital. There wasn't anything they could really *do*. I called the office right when they opened and his nurse took my call right away. She told me my hcg from yesterday's blood draw was only 5. I went into the office to see Dr. Irwin and he told me that while my progesterone was in the normal range, it was at the low end of normal. He said the good news is there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to achieve pregnancy again. He also said that next time I will need to call and get a progesterone prescription. He said it's just bad luck.

I called my best friend of over 25 years because even though Jamie loves me to the moon and back, it's just different for guys. Male humans are not male penguins. She talked it over with her sister who is a NICU RN at Women's and I got a name for a new ob that specializes in high risk pregnancy. I think I may go see him. I'm not sure. I love Dr. Irwin, and I think he's smart as all get out, but sometimes I think I need something more. I cannot shake the feeling that if I got my results sooner and had progesterone this pregnancy might have been viable. There is just no telling. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on one thing at a time.

Today, I will rest. I will listen for God, pray and rest.

Still Spotting

Well, I'm still spotting and it's increased. I also have a low back ache. The doctor said when I'm not at work to just put my feet up as much as possible.

The results from Wednesday's blood work said my progesterone was good and my hcg was only 14, but that's acceptable for now. The important thing will be what today's blood work reveals. I'm praying that the numbers are above 60. They are supposed to double every 24 hours. I'm handing it over to God because there really isn't anything I can do about it. Nothing I do or don't do can change a single thing.

I had a great first day at the new office. Super nice doctor and staff. Very low key. There doesn't appear to be any drama and that's a refreshing change of pace. Ten bucks say tomorrow is a mad house at my other office. Plus, the new office listens to KSBJ!! whoo hooo

Exausted

I had some spotting and dull aches this morning and I'm exhausted. I'm pretty anxious. I want to get my lab results and take some additional blood work. I'm hoping the bloating is a good sign.

Feeling Better

After suffering with a sinus infection all week I think I'm finally starting to feel better and having a little more energy.

I need to get to work packing up the townhouse again. I think we are going this afternoon to sign another contract with Meritage for 506 White Oak Pointe. I'm a little nervous about everything going through.

Tomorrow I'm adding a new job to the schedule. I think it will be nice at this office and I'm a little excited and nervous. As much as I love things at YPS I just think sometimes their demands are unreasonable for the pay they want to deliver. Sometimes, I think they are just plain unreasonable. lol I hate being micromanaged and all the girl gossip gets old. It's new drama every day. Hopefully, this new office will be low key and like a breath of fresh air.

Happy New Year!!

2010. Seems like just yesterday we freaked out over Y2K.

I am a different person than I was that NYE. Weird to think about...

I'm anxious to hear the hcg numbers on Monday. Every single pregnancy test I've taken has such a faint line. If it wasn't for the digital test reading, "PREGNANT" I would be flipping out right now.

Okay, about this milk thing. What's up with that? lol I detest milk and I'm somehow forcing two glasses down a day plus some yogurt. I always hear people joke about the lengthens they will go to for their children, but jeeze louise!