Heavy Heart

So, there was no heart beat at today's sonogram. He looked and looked. I have the best doctor and nurse in the world. They held me while I cried.

Baby measured right on. 8w6d. He said it must have stopped beating in the last 24 hours. I heard it last night about 7pm, so he was right on. I think I just want to do the D and C and get it over with. Two months of healing before we can try again.

This feels surreal. I don't understand. One ectopic, one natural miscarriage, one missed miscarriage.

God, I know you promise to take me THROUGH the valley. you will not leave me here. Amen.

This Time

This loss is different than the last. This was fast. No weekly blood draws, no methotrexate shots, no weeks of wondering. In just one week I went from finding out the good news, to spotting, to losing.

This time is different because I had my fertility support group. I think Jamie 'gets' why I'm so attached to a group of ladies on the Internet. He was as blown away as I was about the outreach. Cindy brought me soup...good for the soul. Just to let us know she loves us.

I want to reach out. I want to tell my mom, my sister, but I don't. I don't because right now I'm having my feelings and I don't want to give them grief about something nobody has any control over. Sharing with them, or with Jamie's mom wouldn't divide my grief. It would only compound it. Make me feel like less. I wish there were better words.

This HAS to Work...

Jamie is still feeling torn about if doing the iui was the right thing. He just think it doesn't feel 'natural'. Sigh, we tried natural. This HAS to work. I don't think there will be a next time and I just don't know that we will ever get pregnant on our own. I will be 33 in August.

My Husband, The Prince...

What a guy. He did the nicest, most sincere show of his love I think he has ever done for me today. We went through with the iui. I am so grateful to him and know this wasn't an easy step.

I was nervous, wondering if I was making the right decision. All that Free Will can make your brain swim sometimes. I woke up about 4am...very nervous/anxious. I was feeling pukey from all the nerves, so I took a hot bath to try to calm down.

We got to the doctors office early to give them a sample. The sperm was washed to separate sperm cells and get rid of dead or slow-moving sperm as well as additional chemicals that may impair fertilization.

After that, the sperm was inserted through the cervix and placed deep into the uterus through a fine catheter. The procedure was less painful than a pap smear. Of course, Dr. Irwin was chit chatting the entire time. I don't know what it is about that guy, but he has some sort of calming effect on women. He's a good doctor.

So, now I wait to test. I haven't quite decided if I will wait only 10 days and take a test on Mother's Day. That would be fun. If I thought I could hold out I would wait until our anniversary on May 15th, but I doubt that will happen.

I feel good. I feel optimistic. I know God has dealt with MUCH bigger things that this.

It's IUI TIME!!!

So, I sent out a prayer request today to a couple of very close girlfriends...mostly women that have fertility issues, or have overcome fertility issues. Oh, and those special people that I think know me better than I know myself.

Tomorrow is a big day...Jamie is having sperm analysis and I'm having insemenation.

Please, keep this confidential, but PLEASE pray about this. AND PLEASE don't talk to Jamie about this. He's having some pride issues.

Okay, specific prayers....

1. Jamie relax and know that we doing this because we really want a baby and this is the best gift he can ever give me. Happy Anniversary (may15th)

2. I can relax and not get my cortisol levels all out of wack. (Stress is bad for TTC)

3. They don't mix up the sperm at the andro lab and we find out 9 months later when my baby is born with an afro wearing Air Jordan's.

4. Dr. Irwin's experience, knowledge and guidance is able to shine through and help put me at ease.

5. That this works really well, but doesn't turn me into OctoMom version 2.0.

6. That Christ is there the entire process with us. Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Okay, I think that about covers it! lol I know you can tell I'm VERY nervous.

I cannot tell you how much I value your friendship. I don't know where I would be without you as a support system.

I got some AMAZING responses. Here are a couple of my faves.

Aimee,

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. WE have been there and done that....I know what you are going through. That is exactly the path we had to take to have our wonderful Nathan, now 7 years old!

Take care!
Lisa


sigh... just warm fuzzies going through me. BE BLESSED.
Everyone always
asks about you. I cant wait to report Im gonna be a another "cinny" to a little
one.

Genesis 49:25 (New International Version)
because of your
father's God, who helps you,
because of the Almighty,
who blesses you with blessings of the heavens above,
blessings of the deep that lies below,
blessings of the breast and womb.
Amen.
-Cindy

I pray that you both would feel God's spirit of peace over this day and the day's events. I pray that you can feel His mighty arms wrapped around you, holding you through it all. I pray God's perfect wisdom and guidance for your doctor and staff. I pray for the perfect sperm and the perfect egg to match up. I pray for your joy in receiving a positive test and I pray for God's protection over you and your precious baby to be. I pray for that first kick you will feel and the joy it will bring. I pray for a healthy pregancy and safe delivery and a perfect flawless
baby. I pray to God for you to know the joy of holding your precious baby in your arms. Nothing is too big for our God. Don't be afraid to get your hopes up. One day in God's perfect timing it will happen and maybe (I'm praying) this is it.

John 14:27- Jesus: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Love you and praying for you!
Donna

I will keep you in my thought and my prayers!!
1. Tell him to wear loose boxers and do some deep breathing before watching the porn for
assistance.
2. Have half a bag of Dove Chocolates and breathe!
3. If you DO get a baby with an afro chances are he is going to be good a basketball and hopefully get a scholarship and into the NBA and take care you and Jamie when you are old and grey.
4. They don’t give just anybody a doctors license.
5. If you do get 8, the good news about that is you will probably have to only go through labor once and you will get your own reality TV show “Aimee and Jamie…Party of 10”???
6. The Lord is always with you!

Last but not least you have great amazing friends and family to hold your hand all the way to the finish line!!!!

P.S to the sperm…….SWIM BOYS SWIM!!!!
Love ya!!
Jakelyn

You are funny ...afro:). Will do, you are on my list.
Oh key lime pie was a hit.
-Vanessa

Will do, we are going in on the 11th. I will keep you posted.
Love,
Trish

Hard to Describe

I've been working with the group that does Summer Kids Club and got invited to check into doing some skits on Sunday mornings for the kids. I have to say, I've been feeling this pull that I've been resisting. When I was in there today I had to leave the room to cry. It's just so overwhelming. These precious kids singing about the Love Jesus has for them. These parents that entrust them to our care every week. I was just overcome. I think this is where I'm supposed to be, but it's just so hard. I don't have a family. Some would argue that Jamie is my family, but I feel really disconnected because of where he is at spiritually. I feel really alone. I just don't know when it will finally be MY turn to have a baby.

It Doesn't Get Any Easier

Brown spotting tonight. I will probably start my period in 2-3 days.

I called the office to go over all of the instructions, fees and insurance for iui.

Now I'm just waiting for my period, so that I can wait to ovulate, so that I can wait to test.

I'm doing a lot of waiting. I will wait and I will pray.

Prayer is the discipline by which God gives us the ability to wait. To preserve. To dream again. And to trust.

-Angela Thomas

CD14-17

Jamie will be out of town for work. I'm not thrilled because there is some peak fertility time we will be missing, but what can we do? C'est la vie.

I have to remind myself this is not my will, but His will. I need to let it go. I keep taking it back.

I want to count out the days and think ahead to when the NEXT time I ovulate will be, but I have still yet to ovulate this month. Let it go, Aimee, let it go and let God take it...

Saddened

Funny thing happens when you are TTC. You hear more stories along the way about other people and their TTC struggles. I don't know if it's just God's way of guiding you, or your friends are just more adept to share because they know you bring a heart of compassion to the subject.

My childhood best friend just lost her niece. Her brother and sister in law were expecting their first child. They conceived through IVF and this is something they both really worked at and wanted for so long. I have only met the mom once or twice, but my heart is just aching for her.