Pre Op

Today. Sad day...pre op. I had another sonogram. For sure no cardiac activity. I did take another photo home of our baby. The baby was finally looking a little more like a person and less like a blob and it just felt right to have. I think it made Jamie more upset though because he wasn't just looking at a blob that had a heartbeat 4 days ago. He bought me flowers.

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I know I will get through it, but I'm just nervous about the unknown. There was quite a bit of cramping tonight and I was hoping to just do this naturally at home, but I don't think that's going to happen and I don't want to sit around and wait for the inevitable. I just want to get it over with. That was the big difference between the ectopic and January's miscarriage. The ectopic dragged on and on, but the last miscarriage was fast and I was able to move on with my grief better.

I'm on the fence about telling my mom and sister. ugh...it's just so hard because I don't want to have to comfort them, but at the same time I feel unfair not letting them in. I just don't have clarity in it.

Heavy Heart

So, there was no heart beat at today's sonogram. He looked and looked. I have the best doctor and nurse in the world. They held me while I cried.

Baby measured right on. 8w6d. He said it must have stopped beating in the last 24 hours. I heard it last night about 7pm, so he was right on. I think I just want to do the D and C and get it over with. Two months of healing before we can try again.

This feels surreal. I don't understand. One ectopic, one natural miscarriage, one missed miscarriage.

God, I know you promise to take me THROUGH the valley. you will not leave me here. Amen.

Update

Well, the next ultrasound is tomorrow and I will be 9 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. I get more and more ancy to tell our family every day and I think Jamie feels the same.

I haven't spotted in almost two weeks!! Yay!

As far as symtoms are concerned they sort of come and go. One day I will be exausted, another day peachy. One day I will have sore breasts, the next day no problem. About the only thing that's constant is my love for bland carbs and no spice...the tummy is just too sensitive.

My saving grace is the home doppler I got in the mail on Friday. The first time Jamie heard the heartbeat on it he laughed and said Justin Timberlake should sample it for his next hit single. haha

We finally closed on the townhouse and I tried not to overly exert myself with the move, but Saturday night I had some sharp stabbing pains on the right side. Luckily, I knew the baby and that precious heartbeat are settled on my left side and just put my feet up and rested. LOVE the doppler. It's so reassuring. It's nice not only because it eases my daily anxiety, but because I think I will be able to better enjoy my appointment tomorrow knowing the heartbeat will still be there when I go in.