Things I Am Thankful For.

In no particular order:

My health.
My husband.
My best friends.
My puppy.
My niece and nephew.
My cheetah clogs.
My ability to love.
My home.
My career.
My ability to be flexible.
My ability to stick to my morals.
My critical thinking skills.
My baking skills.
My bed.
My God that died for every person's sins...not just my own.
My morbid sense of humor.
My husband. So nice that I listed him twice. :)
My ability to love others.
My support circle.
My mad photo taking skillz.
My budget stretching ways.
My doctor.
My laugh.
My sweet potato souffle.
My sense of empathy.
My ability to adapt.
My Lush Bubble Bath Collection.

Even Keel

So, I finally feel like the dust is settling a little.

Yesterday I had some physical pain that felt like a lot of pressure, but thankfully it's almost gone. I just didn't expect to be hurting a week later.

The hormones must be leveling out because I'm not nearly as emotional. I am bracing myself for a melt down tomorrow. *sigh* I know...it sounds stupid. I just think if I expect it I can pray about it and it will be okay.

It's funny because all last week my girls were emailing, calling and checking on me and I just wanted to be alone. Today some kind of page flipped in my mind and I felt lonely and had to call girls until someone finally answered. I know...pathetic.

My mom's okay...she has arthritis in her neck, an infection in her lung and high cholesterol.

As far as the house goes...only time will tell. I did pick out a bad ass lone star door today.

Sigh

I've been putting off writing this all day. I know I need to do it now, or I never will. I also know I will feel better after writing it. Where to start.

So, I had a dream the night before about a deep sea fishing trip. Jamie and I caught some sort of rare fish. These fish were unusual because they had four spots along their tails similar to the single spot a red fish would have. These fish were huge...there was no hiding them from the game warden. I tried, but we were busted. I told Jamie about the dream on our way to the hospital and he agreed it was weird for me to dream about fishing.

We parked in spot number 4 in the garage.

Jamie did a great job of keeping me calm during the waiting. He brought a laptop and dvds (even New Moon...totally for me). He was patient the entire time and was very attentive to anything I needed when we came home.

I have to say that Woman's Hospital of Texas earned their rank on US Reports top 50. Every single medical auxiliary was kind beyond measure. Each and every time I met someone new they introduced themselves, explained what they would be doing and skillfully did their job. Everyone took their time with me and did everything they could to cause me as little discomfort as possible. There had to be at least 8-10 people that took care of me while I was there and every single one of them was outstanding. The little things like jazz music playing before surgery, heated hospital gowns and new entertainment magazines to pass the time really helped me stay calm as silly as it may seem.

Jamie LOVES Dr. Pinell. Yes, that's right...Mr. Picky couldn't say enough nice things about him. He was really comforted by the interaction they had and told me he could tell he genuinely cared.

So, I'm hooked up to my IV and in a bed waiting for surgery and I notice the bed across from me is #5. I tip my head back to read what bed I'm in...you guessed it. Four.

Before surgery Dr. Pinell shared with me about how after 5 live births and 4 miscarriages it never got easier for him and his wife when they lost a child. He told me he was sure it was even more painful for us since we don't have any children and that we should keep trying because they are worth it. Seriously, he is the kindest person and I feel so blessed to have him as my doctor. At this point, I think God (Fisher of Men...remember the fish dream?) is telling me FOUR. Sadly, I think He's telling me there is one more loss ahead, but after that it will be okay.

I wake up in recovery and a very nice nurse named Carmen gave me some Demerol. When she's trying to get me to wake up a little more and leave the post op room she starts visiting with me. I of course ask her about her children. You guessed it...four. She tells me that her fourth child, Kevin, was a surprise baby. She also told me they didn't think he would make it since he was born prematurely and the first year of his life was touch and go. So, now I start thinking God is telling me baby #4 will be the one and this will all be over.

Of course I prayed. I don't know what He is saying with four, but I know he's saying it. Either one more loss ahead, or the next baby I will get to hold in my arms. I don't know, but I do know I matter to God and so do each of my babies.

As far as my recovery goes, it's been easy. I know I am covered in prayer because without it I would be a big ole mess. I've had very little pain and have taken nothing more than Advil for any cramps. The bleeding is so light I barely need a panty liner. Physically, I feel better than expected. As far as emotions go, they come and go like waves. I will be fine, then it will hit me what happened. I don't know if it is the hormones, or if this is just normal grief. I miss that heart beat. I know Jamie does too. He's angry. He looks at himself as my protector and there is nothing he can do to protect me from this. He's helpless.

I have a post op appointment on the 27th. I don't think all of the pathology will be complete then. In the meantime, I had all of my records from the RE transferred over. They ran so many tests last summer I just want to be sure nothing fell through the cracks.

I have a great support system that is lifting me up in prayer. I'm sad, but blessed.

Yay Another Sonogram Tomorrow!

I'm so excited that I may be able to really see the heart beat tomorrow. I pray everything is the right size and in the right place.

As far as symptoms go they seem to come and go in waves. Nausea, heartburn, constipation, heavy/tight/full feeling breasts, skin break out....The thing about symptoms is I'm glad to have them. They tell me everything is okay and progressing. It's those tricky times where I feel good that I start doubting.

This is Why We Don't Tell Anyone

Last night I came home, didn't feel quite right. I was still spotting and had a very mild lower back cramp. I didn't feel much like dinner, but had some tomato soup. I felt some discomfort similar to constipation and had increased spotting. Three hours later, I was throwing up and just wanted to sleep. I woke up at 3:15am with heavy cramps and severe bleeding and clots. My head was aching and my body was not right. I took a hot bath and the cramps subsided enough for me to sleep for another two hours. I figured there was no need to go to the ER at Women's Hospital. There wasn't anything they could really *do*. I called the office right when they opened and his nurse took my call right away. She told me my hcg from yesterday's blood draw was only 5. I went into the office to see Dr. Irwin and he told me that while my progesterone was in the normal range, it was at the low end of normal. He said the good news is there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to achieve pregnancy again. He also said that next time I will need to call and get a progesterone prescription. He said it's just bad luck.

I called my best friend of over 25 years because even though Jamie loves me to the moon and back, it's just different for guys. Male humans are not male penguins. She talked it over with her sister who is a NICU RN at Women's and I got a name for a new ob that specializes in high risk pregnancy. I think I may go see him. I'm not sure. I love Dr. Irwin, and I think he's smart as all get out, but sometimes I think I need something more. I cannot shake the feeling that if I got my results sooner and had progesterone this pregnancy might have been viable. There is just no telling. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on one thing at a time.

Today, I will rest. I will listen for God, pray and rest.

Exausted

I had some spotting and dull aches this morning and I'm exhausted. I'm pretty anxious. I want to get my lab results and take some additional blood work. I'm hoping the bloating is a good sign.

Christmas Break

It's been great having the time off to spend with everyone.

There's so much going on in my mind that I don't really know where to start...
I guess I will just leave with the thought of how excited I am for 2009. This was a tough year and so much happened it really feels more like 5 years since we were ringing in 2008.

When I sit back and reflect it doesn't seem possible that only a year has past. This year did so much to transform me forever as a person. I grew closer to Christ, learned more about myself and examined the relationships in my life with a new perspective.

I learned what it means to be a Tree.

I am so thankful for the knowlege that has been given to me in Faith.


Ezekiel 47
The River From the Temple

The man brought me back to the entrance to the temple, and I saw water coming out from under the threshold of the temple toward the east (for the temple faced east). The water was coming down from under the south side of the temple, south of the altar. He then brought me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the outer gate facing east, and the water was trickling from the south side.
As the man went eastward with a measuring line in his hand, he measured off a thousand cubits and then led me through water that was ankle-deep. He measured off another thousand cubits and led me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another thousand and led me through water that was up to the waist. He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in—a river that no one could cross. He asked me, "Son of man, do you see this?"
Then he led me back to the bank of the river. When I arrived there, I saw a great number of trees on each side of the river. He said to me, "This water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah, where it enters the Dead Sea. When it empties into the sea, the salty water there becomes fresh. Swarms of living creatures will live wherever the river flows. There will be large numbers of fish, because this water flows there and makes the salt water fresh; so where the river flows everything will live. People will fish along the shore; from En Gedi to En Eglaim there will be places for spreading nets. The fish will be of many kinds—like the fish of the Mediterranean Sea. But the swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they will be left for salt. Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear fruit, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."

One Month Later

Wow, it's been a month since I posted. That's not to say nothing has happened, but we have just been so busy.

Last month was a weird month. We were not really 'trying' for a baby when I ovulated since we are still without insurance until December 1st, but Jamie was feeling like we should go ahead and try. I gotta tell you...negative pregnancy tests never get easier to look at.

I know he is 1000000% on board this month. I feel really optimistic. I cannot explain it. I just feel like this is the month. I've never felt like that before.

Jamie asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told him I wanted to be pregnant! No lie. He said he would see what he could do. I told him if I didn't get pregnant this time, then next month I want to do intrauterine insemination. I don't particularly care for the idea of us using a lab to insert his sperm through my cervix, but hey...beggars cannot be choosers. Isn't that how the saying goes?

I did overcome one obstacle and maybe it's why I feel so optimistic. I've had this mental block that would not allow me to pray for a baby. I know it sounds stupid, but if He knows the desires of my heart and knows my prayers by just a sigh I kind of felt like that was going to be enough. I felt guilty praying for a child when so many people need prayer for so many things that are much more essential to their lives. I almost felt selfish praying for a baby when I get prayer requests for cancer, death, despair. The list goes on and on. I decided to not only start a journal of what I'm reading, understanding and applying from the Bible, but to journal my prayer requests. I want to have a written record that will allow me to go back and see how every thing has been answered.