That's the Thing About Blogging

We all know if you don't write it, then it never really happened. Right?

A month ago my sister came over with the kids...greeting card in hand and a heart full of self reproach. She was 6 weeks pregnant. My husband washed the dishes. He couldn't do or say anything but wash the dishes. I told her I would love this child as much as I love the other two, but I needed her to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. Her last pregnancy should be savored. Every moment.

She asked me to go to the ultrasound and try as I might I just couldn't put my big girl panties on and make it happen.  Thankfully, she was more than understanding. She told me I should blog about it because she knows it helps me. She told me if I wanted she wouldn't read just this post, or this month, or this blog. It was entirely up to me.

Now that I've had my breakdown I'm okay. I sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I let my stinky little puppy lick every tear from my face and my sweet husband pick me up, hold me and tell me our turn would happen.

I struggled. Again. I cried, got drunk, got belligerent and said some hateful things to God.

It took me a month to write this because I just had to get to a point where I could write it and not be completely hysterical. I don't want my little niece or nephew to look back and see that I didn't love them. I want them to look back and see that I understand they are the greatest gift God could ever give and I love them so much that I want to know how it feels to be a mommy and not just an aunt.

Sisterly Love

So, my sister and I bonded in a big way. I was praying for the right moment, the right opportunity, to speak my heart when she opened up and said the unexpected. These where things I knew in my heart, but wasn't able to really see as the truth because she denied it so much. Funny thing is you can feel miles apart from someone, have totally different struggles, but when you get down to it you both have the same faulty wiring.

Sam and I are nothing alike. We were never close as children. She was seven years younger than me. I spent the first 3 years of her life adoring her...until she wanted to copy me, follow me, do everything I did...about age 13 or 14 I decided I needed space from the whole family. I felt like I was suffocating in a secret. A lie. This secret was way past ripe. It was rotting. Right off the vine. It made me stink to the core. Sam didn't get the courtesy of full disclosure because of her age. Looking back, I see how this made it that much harder for her to understand my separation from her.

For a long time I dealt with feelings that I couldn't seem to make other people (therapists, counselors, pastors, mentors, my husband) understand. I felt like I abandoned her. I left her behind. She was safe, but I left during that time where our age made us worlds apart and wondered if we would ever be true friends. As young adults we were kind to one another, but I would have never thought of her when I was listing friends.

The grief, anxiety and self hate I was suffering with was eating at her too. In my gut I knew all along she was hurting, but her tornado went a different way from my hurricane. While we were both volatile forces, we both dealt with it in our own ways. Somehow opening that door and letting everything out brought us to a place of understanding. She and I both were hurt by things out of our control.

I love my sister. I always have, but we're different now and I am happy for this change.

Who Do I Lean On?

So, Jamie and I were talking about things this weekend. We had some alone time. Not easy since we are living with friends while the house is being finished, but we went to a hotel and chilled just the two of us. Of course, the loss was brought up. Jamie said he felt bad because he's supposed to be there for me to lean on, but who is he supposed to lean on. Certainly not his family. The dynamic is just off. Sad, but true. It's hard to explain. It hurts me so much to know they have this amazing son that they really haven't bothered to get to know and really don't show any interest in spending time together. Family is supposed to be who you call when things get tough, but neither one of us do that. We confide in each other. We are our only family. And when we need someone more than each other we lean on the family we've created. Amazing friends. There for you no matter what. It doesn't matter if you are feeling crazy and most people would leave you alone to self destruct THESE people...the people that matter...are THERE. You know who you are. Love you.

Today's Roller Coaster

So, I was going to have breakfast with mom this morning and either she would ask about the huge bruise and iv puncture wound on the back of my hand, or she was just going to ignore my fictional drug problem. I waited and and about 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there I called...mad...because my mom is always either late or forgets. This time it was neither and I felt like an ass for being mad. The ambulance was arriving at her house because she was having chest pains.

I am hysterical at this point. The thought of my mom being gone before I really had a chance to be clear with her was too much. The thought spending time in a hospital near her husband just put me over the edge. After all, she already picked. He is the one that can be there for her, I cannot. She picked and this was her decision, not mine. I'm angry that in the face of the anxiety about what's going to happen to my mom the old family dynamic opens up a vein of hurt.

So, I get to the hospital and as if there was any doubt she cleared it right up when the ER staff says only one guest. I tell her husband I'm just going to be a minute to check on her, hug her and leave. Luckily, he agrees to this because she's telling the personnel her husband must accompany her. She looked fine. Vitals were normal, speaking and acting like herself. Nothing out of the ordinary. She describes the pain to me and it sounds like it could be her anxiety, acid reflux or gerd. I leave.

I come back after they admit her to take her favorite treat...cherry jelly beans. I ask if there is anything else she needs and because I SUCK as a human being I actually get upset that she asks me to go buy her some pajamas. Who the hell gets upset about running an errand for their mother when 4 hours prior they were upset their mom may be having a heart attack? Apparently, immature self centered people like myself.

On the way to buy the pajamas I tried to figure out what was hurting me so much. Why was I feeling so hateful about something I should feel so grateful to be able to do? Then, it occurred to me...I really wanted to be able to open up and share with her today and I just cannot. It drives me crazy that even though I haven't point blank told her anything, she doesn't know me well enough to know what's really happening. Is that my fault for shutting her out all this time, or is it her fault for always sticking her head in the sand? I don't really know. Maybe it's nobody's fault because even though we are related we really don't know each other at all.

Then, I reflected on January's miscarriage when I sat in church and cried like a baby and Cindy's mom sat right there, not knowing anything, but knowing everything. I asked Cindy about that today and she said her mom asked her if I lost a baby because nobody cries like that over a house. She knew without even being told because she knows me and sees me more often than my own mom. How is that? How can someone else's mom know me better than my own?

How did it get to this point? How do I even repair this?