Well Woman

The visit went well...excluding the panic attack. Popped a xanax on the way home.

The doctor is so nice. He even asked how Jamie was dealing with the loss.

Soooo, I had blood work today. Crossing my fingers it's negative. If it is, then I can take an hpt after my November cycle and start TTC if that is negative.  A little freaked about that. Cannot breathe.

A Quiet House is a Sad House

Well, Gracie went in for her spay today. I love that dog in a way that is probably neurotic to most people. Jamie feels the same. There is a really sweet vet tech that has bonded with Gracie at all of her puppy visits and seeing her today and knowing she would be in the surgery made me feel better. I was okay dropping her off.

Coming home to a big, empty, quiet house is a different story. No wiggle butt here to lick my face and gaze at me with those big brown eyes. No sound of panting, or sniffing around. None of that funny little exhale sigh that I suspect only Boxers do. The depression hits me hard when I'm in an empty house. It makes me realize that much more how much she's done to calm my anxiety and focus my attention on something other than myself and my pain. This little puppy made me happy again when my heart felt so broken and I am so thankful for her and her little turned up snout.

Long Overdue

So, it took me a long time to write this and it is long overdue.

The pathology reports came back as a partial mole pregnancy. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx

This means 6 to 12 months before we can start trying again. My life on hold. Again.

The hormone storm was raging. When you think about it I have been pregnant off and on since December. My hcg levels where as high as they were going to get to support a pregnancy and when they left I had the "baby blues" without a baby. This is something that is not often discussed and I didn't even know it was a possibility. How can you have postpartum depression without a child? Yes, I was sad because I lost a child, but this was MORE than that. I was having thoughts of driving my car into a line of trees...not suicidal, I just wanted a "break". I was enraged by any little thing and poor Jamie got the brunt of my crazy. I blamed the restless nights on staying at Extended Stay America while the house was being finished, but when I went to the doctor and really said it all...laid it all out...it made perfect sense when he told me it was ppd.

I am a control freak by nature and as much as I hate to admit it having my "things" in storage for the last 16 months has been a tremendous strain. I love Jamie, but staying in a hotel room for longer than a week was never something I thought we would have to do.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made this year and see how much depression and hormones caused me to react in ways I would have never otherwise reacted. I hurt a lot of people.

Looking forward, I am keeping my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on June 8th. I am going to work on feeling better. Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

When it gets right down to it I am blessed. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Instead of looking at all the flaws of my life I need to look at all the good things.