Surrender

I have no idea when I'm going to ovulate. I'm not even sure if I'm having fertile cervical mucous. I'm just too tired of TTC to care. I guess when Jamie's ready we will go try the iui. I'm sick of being the one to be proactive in everything. He knows that is what Dr. Irwin said would be the next step. I feel a certain freedom in that, but a certain sadness too. At what point will he wake up? I surrender this to God.

Spring Cleaning

Boy, we did a lot of it this weekend. I think we will be all staged and ready for buyers to look at our townhome by Febuary 1st. The incentives keep getting better and better on new home building and I pray we can unload this place in time to get in while the getting is good.

Elevator Stomach

Ever have a moment where your stomach goes from the 92nd floor all the way to the basement in 3 seconds flat? It leaves you wanting to vomit.

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled on myspace and saw an acquaintance was 19 weeks pregnant and 10 weeks married. Fun times. I thought I would throw up right there. I thought I was a better person than this, but I felt a lot of bitterness bubbling.

Christmas Break

It's been great having the time off to spend with everyone.

There's so much going on in my mind that I don't really know where to start...
I guess I will just leave with the thought of how excited I am for 2009. This was a tough year and so much happened it really feels more like 5 years since we were ringing in 2008.

When I sit back and reflect it doesn't seem possible that only a year has past. This year did so much to transform me forever as a person. I grew closer to Christ, learned more about myself and examined the relationships in my life with a new perspective.

I learned what it means to be a Tree.

I am so thankful for the knowlege that has been given to me in Faith.


Ezekiel 47
The River From the Temple

The man brought me back to the entrance to the temple, and I saw water coming out from under the threshold of the temple toward the east (for the temple faced east). The water was coming down from under the south side of the temple, south of the altar. He then brought me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the outer gate facing east, and the water was trickling from the south side.
As the man went eastward with a measuring line in his hand, he measured off a thousand cubits and then led me through water that was ankle-deep. He measured off another thousand cubits and led me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another thousand and led me through water that was up to the waist. He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in—a river that no one could cross. He asked me, "Son of man, do you see this?"
Then he led me back to the bank of the river. When I arrived there, I saw a great number of trees on each side of the river. He said to me, "This water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah, where it enters the Dead Sea. When it empties into the sea, the salty water there becomes fresh. Swarms of living creatures will live wherever the river flows. There will be large numbers of fish, because this water flows there and makes the salt water fresh; so where the river flows everything will live. People will fish along the shore; from En Gedi to En Eglaim there will be places for spreading nets. The fish will be of many kinds—like the fish of the Mediterranean Sea. But the swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they will be left for salt. Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear fruit, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."

White Christmas

Well, not quite, but it did snow this week. Here is our fresh cut tree.

Dig that Crazy Christmas!

That was the name of our kids' Christmas program. I had the BEST time. Autumn video taped, so give me a few days...look out youtube. My mom hopefully got some good pics and I will post them as soon as I get them from her.

I forgot how much I enjoyed theatre. Even though I only had a few lines in a skit designed for kids; it was so much fun. I just love the entire process. I love the flexibility we have there. We wrote our own lines, did our blocking and costumes...it just made it THAT much more fun when the audience was laughing at our jokes, or kids were coming up to us after and commenting on the funny parts.

My hair defied gravity! Cindy's did too! lol

Oh, and kids came up to me after to hug me and get their picture taken with me. That was the best part...thinking that kids will remember these fun times at church. When I grew up just about the only thing I did at church was Vacation Bible School. Do you know what I remember the most? Having snow cones. lol It might sound trivial, but those snow cones were a big part of me getting to know Jesus.

Negative Pee Sticks

They put me in a negative mood. I had two really blank ones this weekend. I don't know WHY I torture myself and test early. Two weeks is WAY too long to wait. Two weeks **sigh** more like two years!

Saddened

Funny thing happens when you are TTC. You hear more stories along the way about other people and their TTC struggles. I don't know if it's just God's way of guiding you, or your friends are just more adept to share because they know you bring a heart of compassion to the subject.

My childhood best friend just lost her niece. Her brother and sister in law were expecting their first child. They conceived through IVF and this is something they both really worked at and wanted for so long. I have only met the mom once or twice, but my heart is just aching for her.

Jamie's Birthday

We went to the Renaissance Fair! He had so much fun. He met a new beer called Bottington's and fell in love, got spanked by a jester and looked at boobies popping out of corsets. All in all he had a good time.

More OPKs

Here is the opk from Thursday night:



Perfect for baby makin'!

For Posterity's Sake

Yesterday morning I had only 1 bar on my fertilty monitor and this ovulation predictor kit (opk):

Today, I had 2 bars (still not 'peak' for those of you that are new to this) in the morning and this is my opk:

I just *know* I will ovulate tomorrow on Thanksgiving.

BLAH

I hate it when people I like are at odds. It's especially hard when you can see both sides of the coin.

Atta Girl!

I got an Atta Girl! yesterday and today. Quite the change from my Brain Sprain post.

I told Jamie about it and he laughed because he said his boss gives him an Atta Boy! all the time instead of a rai$e. One day he even emailed him an Atta Boy! That's when Jamie decided to email Direct TV and cc his boss on the email. Basically, he explained to Direct TV that he had email confirmation of his Atta Boy! and would like to pay his bill with it. Shockingly, Direct TV did not reply. I do think his boss gave him an Atta Boy! for his fabulous sense of humor.

One Month Later

Wow, it's been a month since I posted. That's not to say nothing has happened, but we have just been so busy.

Last month was a weird month. We were not really 'trying' for a baby when I ovulated since we are still without insurance until December 1st, but Jamie was feeling like we should go ahead and try. I gotta tell you...negative pregnancy tests never get easier to look at.

I know he is 1000000% on board this month. I feel really optimistic. I cannot explain it. I just feel like this is the month. I've never felt like that before.

Jamie asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told him I wanted to be pregnant! No lie. He said he would see what he could do. I told him if I didn't get pregnant this time, then next month I want to do intrauterine insemination. I don't particularly care for the idea of us using a lab to insert his sperm through my cervix, but hey...beggars cannot be choosers. Isn't that how the saying goes?

I did overcome one obstacle and maybe it's why I feel so optimistic. I've had this mental block that would not allow me to pray for a baby. I know it sounds stupid, but if He knows the desires of my heart and knows my prayers by just a sigh I kind of felt like that was going to be enough. I felt guilty praying for a child when so many people need prayer for so many things that are much more essential to their lives. I almost felt selfish praying for a baby when I get prayer requests for cancer, death, despair. The list goes on and on. I decided to not only start a journal of what I'm reading, understanding and applying from the Bible, but to journal my prayer requests. I want to have a written record that will allow me to go back and see how every thing has been answered.

Brain Sprain

Ever feel like no matter what you do, or how awesome you do it that it just will NEVER be enough for some people? They will just continue to pile responsibility on you because you are so good at your job and others just cannot hang?!?! Oh, and they cannot even seem to pay you for the level of work you are doing, but can always justify that it's for the greater good?

The tough part is that you don't mind working at that caliber and you WANT to be that person in your career, but you also want to be rewarded for it and it just does not happen.

Weekend

Wow, I had a fun filled weekend. It took me until Wednesday to find the time to write about it!

It started off with the New Kids on the Block concert Thursday night! It was an amazing show and I was on a 'concert high' for 3 days! Of course my Partner in Crime was Kelly!

Then, we took Hayli and Rowland to Zoo Boo. Jamie found out what happens when Rowland eats cotton candy ... Rowland version 2.0. He gave narrative on every cold blooded creature in the Reptile House. Hayli is so kind, loving and nurturing. She wanted to push Johan in the stroller the entire time. It was very nice to spend time with them and I think they had a good time.

6 more weeks

Only six more weeks and Jamie and I can start trying again. It's been hard taking this break and waiting for the new insurance to kick in.

I think part of the challenge is that I believe for the first time that Jamie is really on board 110%. Back in August right before we started our insurance hiatus he told me, "I guess everyone is right. You just cannot plan it."

Look at us, we are proof of that. We wait to get our debts in order, get the baby makin' groove on, get pregnant and BOOM! lose the baby to ectopic. THEN, we lose another six months of baby making to the methotrexate shot, waiting for my Hcg to get to zero, more waiting on my period and the very anticipated hysterosalpingogram. Fun times ... chemotherapy shot in the ass, human pin cushion getting blood drawn several times a week followed by a catheter shooting dye into my cervix and x-rays of my pelvic cavity. All during the wonderful Holiday Season. Can you feel the Spirit of the Season?

We get the all clear, try another six months and there you have it. We find out no insurance until December.

I know, I know. Just opt for Cobra, right? Wrong. At almost $900 a month it's just not prudent for someone that just took a 60% cut in pay.

I know what you are thinking now. I should just buy insurance outright. Have you tried that recently? Try that with a history of ectopic pregnancy (just for fun). I'm going to have issues of rejection to deal with after all of those insurance companies turned me down.

What's that? Just go ahead and try. You can wait on prenatal care until you get insurance in December. Good idea, let's risk my life and another big, fat bill to Women's Hospital of Texas.

They probably give a cash discount to uninsured patients, right? WRONG.

Just go for it. Medicade can pay for it. Real Responsible.

Okay, I guess I'm done with my rant. I'm just happy it's only 6 more weeks of waiting. Only one more missed ovulation until we can start trying again. tick tock I'm 32

Bad Joke

Did you ever joke about anything to make light of a horrible situation, only to find out the joke may be true based on the person's reaction?

I did today and I feel horrible about it. I made a 'joke' out of a very unfunny thing and it very well may be that person's reality based on their response. I really need to be more sensitive. Sometimes my mouth just vomits out words before my brain can really process them.

The sad thing is, this is one of the things I feel led in prayer to work on. I came across this in my Bible study homework...

Proverbs 10:19
The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words.

Not good news for a new blogger that doesn't know when to shut her trap.

Aimée's Blogging ... Look Out!

The title says it all. lol I have a few things I need to share and I thought this might be a good way to do it. Honest feelings right here on the www in black and white.

For right now, I'm feeling very private. Eventually, I know there are some people that will really want to know what has been going on in our lives and they will see the last year get pieced together here on this blog.