This Time

This loss is different than the last. This was fast. No weekly blood draws, no methotrexate shots, no weeks of wondering. In just one week I went from finding out the good news, to spotting, to losing.

This time is different because I had my fertility support group. I think Jamie 'gets' why I'm so attached to a group of ladies on the Internet. He was as blown away as I was about the outreach. Cindy brought me soup...good for the soul. Just to let us know she loves us.

I want to reach out. I want to tell my mom, my sister, but I don't. I don't because right now I'm having my feelings and I don't want to give them grief about something nobody has any control over. Sharing with them, or with Jamie's mom wouldn't divide my grief. It would only compound it. Make me feel like less. I wish there were better words.

This is Why We Don't Tell Anyone

Last night I came home, didn't feel quite right. I was still spotting and had a very mild lower back cramp. I didn't feel much like dinner, but had some tomato soup. I felt some discomfort similar to constipation and had increased spotting. Three hours later, I was throwing up and just wanted to sleep. I woke up at 3:15am with heavy cramps and severe bleeding and clots. My head was aching and my body was not right. I took a hot bath and the cramps subsided enough for me to sleep for another two hours. I figured there was no need to go to the ER at Women's Hospital. There wasn't anything they could really *do*. I called the office right when they opened and his nurse took my call right away. She told me my hcg from yesterday's blood draw was only 5. I went into the office to see Dr. Irwin and he told me that while my progesterone was in the normal range, it was at the low end of normal. He said the good news is there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to achieve pregnancy again. He also said that next time I will need to call and get a progesterone prescription. He said it's just bad luck.

I called my best friend of over 25 years because even though Jamie loves me to the moon and back, it's just different for guys. Male humans are not male penguins. She talked it over with her sister who is a NICU RN at Women's and I got a name for a new ob that specializes in high risk pregnancy. I think I may go see him. I'm not sure. I love Dr. Irwin, and I think he's smart as all get out, but sometimes I think I need something more. I cannot shake the feeling that if I got my results sooner and had progesterone this pregnancy might have been viable. There is just no telling. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on one thing at a time.

Today, I will rest. I will listen for God, pray and rest.

Still Spotting

Well, I'm still spotting and it's increased. I also have a low back ache. The doctor said when I'm not at work to just put my feet up as much as possible.

The results from Wednesday's blood work said my progesterone was good and my hcg was only 14, but that's acceptable for now. The important thing will be what today's blood work reveals. I'm praying that the numbers are above 60. They are supposed to double every 24 hours. I'm handing it over to God because there really isn't anything I can do about it. Nothing I do or don't do can change a single thing.

I had a great first day at the new office. Super nice doctor and staff. Very low key. There doesn't appear to be any drama and that's a refreshing change of pace. Ten bucks say tomorrow is a mad house at my other office. Plus, the new office listens to KSBJ!! whoo hooo

Exausted

I had some spotting and dull aches this morning and I'm exhausted. I'm pretty anxious. I want to get my lab results and take some additional blood work. I'm hoping the bloating is a good sign.

Feeling Better

After suffering with a sinus infection all week I think I'm finally starting to feel better and having a little more energy.

I need to get to work packing up the townhouse again. I think we are going this afternoon to sign another contract with Meritage for 506 White Oak Pointe. I'm a little nervous about everything going through.

Tomorrow I'm adding a new job to the schedule. I think it will be nice at this office and I'm a little excited and nervous. As much as I love things at YPS I just think sometimes their demands are unreasonable for the pay they want to deliver. Sometimes, I think they are just plain unreasonable. lol I hate being micromanaged and all the girl gossip gets old. It's new drama every day. Hopefully, this new office will be low key and like a breath of fresh air.

Happy New Year!!

2010. Seems like just yesterday we freaked out over Y2K.

I am a different person than I was that NYE. Weird to think about...

I'm anxious to hear the hcg numbers on Monday. Every single pregnancy test I've taken has such a faint line. If it wasn't for the digital test reading, "PREGNANT" I would be flipping out right now.

Okay, about this milk thing. What's up with that? lol I detest milk and I'm somehow forcing two glasses down a day plus some yogurt. I always hear people joke about the lengthens they will go to for their children, but jeeze louise!

GLORY TO GOD!!!

Last night I tested and it was positive!!!

Jamie came home to a wrapped pregnancy test. He asked what it was and I told him I forgot one Christmas gift. When he unwrapped it he laughed, pointed at me and say, "POW!" He just kept laughing and smiling.

I had a little brown spotting this morning, but I'm pretty sure it was some implantation bleeding. Not uncommon and the test said pregnant still.

I called Dr. Irwin's office and have my first appointment set up. In the mean time I went in to do some blood work to watch hcg numbers and progesterone. I think they are going to keep a close eye on me until they know the baby is not ectopic.

When I woke up this morning the first whisperings of my mind where the words, "I'm pregnant!"

Long Time No Blog

Okay, so I stopped blogging for a while. Weird, but true. It made everything seem more 'real' if I wrote about it and honestly, I didn't like how things where heading.

Jamie and I spent the first part of the summer with a marriage counselor. The stress of TTC, building a house, etc. brought some old issues to the surface. I'm happy to say there is a always room for improvement. We just were not treating each other respectfully and we needed a 3rd party to help us get back on the same page. I love Jamie and cannot imagine a life without him.

The middle part of the summer was spent celebrating the 'sale' of our townhouse. We took an amazing trip to Puerto Vallarta and really were able to reconnect. I always joke that Vacation Husband is my favorite husband, but mannnn he's a lot of fun without the daily stressors.

We did our annual trip to the Guadalupe river. Seriously, if it doesn't rain there soon it's going to be the Guadalupe Walking Trail. As always, Dry Comal Creek Vinyard was the best part.

We saw the R.E., ran lots of tests and were told that iui with Clomid was our best shot at pregnancy. We kind of just decided to put it on the back burner until we got into the house.

I realized one of my part time jobs was going to land me in front of the dental board if I didn't leave...That was a whole mess. I ended up taking on an extra day at my part time office in Kemah back in September, but to this day have not found anything substantial and our bank account is suffering. I may just have to suck it up and work for the temp agency. The thought of driving to Katy or Woodlands for a day of work makes me want to vomit, but something has to give. 3 days a week is not enough.

After 3 contracts and several extensions we STILL own the townhouse. After a ton of pouting and wallowing it was really freeing to decide we are going to sign the new house back over to the builders. Ugh, I cannot believe we moved out for 2 months and I don't know how our friends could stand it. Jamie was totally 'escaping' from reality. Working 12 hour days and going for hour long runs when he got home. Miserable.

So, now here we sit...

We are in the exact same place we were this time last year. No progress. No baby, no house, nothing has changed. As hard as we worked all year to move forward we have somehow managed to stay right here in the same place. I pray to God to find His way. I'm not sure why we don't have a child, why we are still in the townhouse, or why I'm not able to find more work, but I'm waiting and I'm trusting and I pray this all makes sense one day.

Happy Anniversary

We went to Cork Wine Bar!! Jamie knew I had been wanting to try their dinner menu, so when Cindy and Jesse gave us a gift certificate we knew we had to go.

I've gone a few times with the girls for wine, but kept trying to tell Jamie about their beer selection. When we got there he told me he wanted to try wine and I told him NO WAY! just get the beers because that's what you love...don't be something you're not. kwim?

I started with an Australian Shiraz and he had a Wheat beer similar to a Hefeweizen. We shared Shiner Bock Beer battered fresh mozzarella sticks and jumbo lump crab meat crab cakes. Then, we had mixed field greens salad with fresh Roma tomatoes and balsamic. I had tastings of a couple of Shiraz and Zinfandel from California and Brazil. I finally settled on a glass of Pinot Noir from Spain. Jamie had another beer...it was another Weisse-something or another from Germany...lol wish I could remember the name. Jamie ordered some sort of pepperoni pizza. Thankfully, he wasn't famished because as good as it was there were 4 pieces about the size of a deck of cards. He was pretty amused by his pizza. The find of the night was a Brazilian Beer called Xingu. Jamie decided it was only fitting since he loves all things Brazil... Brazilian Ju Jitsu, hot Brazilian babes wearing thong bikinis and Reef sandals. lol Sadly, their chocolate lava cake was an 86 on the menu. We opted for their Bananas Foster pie. It made us appreciate Perry's table side Flambe Bananas Foster even more than we already do.

It was nice. The vibe isn't about rushing you out the door there, so we had time to sit, visit, relax and enjoy time with each other without feeling pressured to give up our table.

The Plan

I talked to the nurse at Dr. Irwin's office. He wants me to try iui 3 times before he refers me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

I'm not sure what I really want to do. I go back and forth. Part of me wants to do three iui in a row, but another part of me really wants to relax and try every other cycle on our own. I mentioned both to Jamie and he did not really give any feedback. I'm hoping we can talk about it more this weekend.

I will not go see the RE until after we are moved into the house. It's really just too much. Right now I want to just stick with Dr. Irwin. I trust him, he's been my doctor for 11 years and the guy knows his stuff. They don't let just anyone be Chief.

TWW is Ending...

I am getting my period. I left a message with the doctor asking what our next step is.

I'm not too surprised. I am almost positive I stressed out and delayed my ovulation.

I think I'm going to browse some books and find a good one to help Jamie understand the process a little better. They really need to write a book from a man's perspective.

I Know, I Know...

it's too early. I still was hoping, so when I saw only one line it was disappointing. I will wait and test again on the 15th. That would be a pretty sweet anniversary present.

The Two Week Wait

It's unbearable. grrrr

I just wish I could pee on a stick already and get an answer. I've never been a patient person. Somehow waiting every month to find out always seems like a cruel joke. Especially when the verdict is a glaring NOT PREGNANT on some stupid Clear Blue Easy stick. It's almost like it's mocking me.

I'm testing Sunday (early, I know) just in case. The tests say it is 80-something percent accurate 5 days prior to your missed period.

You know, the deeper you delve into this and the more openly you talk to people the more people you find that went through fertility treatments. It's really amazing. I think it's because we are having our children so much later in life. I regret the years I was on the pill. I regret the years I thought, 'just one more milestone, one more bill paid off or one more measure of success before we start trying'. It seems pretty pointless now.

I do however wish that the housing market was more like the two week wait between ovulation and menses. lol It is just dragging on. Only two showings since we went back on the market. If people were at least LOOKING I would feel more hopeful. **sigh** I guess I should go shine my sink and vacuum the floors just in case.

This HAS to Work...

Jamie is still feeling torn about if doing the iui was the right thing. He just think it doesn't feel 'natural'. Sigh, we tried natural. This HAS to work. I don't think there will be a next time and I just don't know that we will ever get pregnant on our own. I will be 33 in August.

My Husband, The Prince...

What a guy. He did the nicest, most sincere show of his love I think he has ever done for me today. We went through with the iui. I am so grateful to him and know this wasn't an easy step.

I was nervous, wondering if I was making the right decision. All that Free Will can make your brain swim sometimes. I woke up about 4am...very nervous/anxious. I was feeling pukey from all the nerves, so I took a hot bath to try to calm down.

We got to the doctors office early to give them a sample. The sperm was washed to separate sperm cells and get rid of dead or slow-moving sperm as well as additional chemicals that may impair fertilization.

After that, the sperm was inserted through the cervix and placed deep into the uterus through a fine catheter. The procedure was less painful than a pap smear. Of course, Dr. Irwin was chit chatting the entire time. I don't know what it is about that guy, but he has some sort of calming effect on women. He's a good doctor.

So, now I wait to test. I haven't quite decided if I will wait only 10 days and take a test on Mother's Day. That would be fun. If I thought I could hold out I would wait until our anniversary on May 15th, but I doubt that will happen.

I feel good. I feel optimistic. I know God has dealt with MUCH bigger things that this.

It's IUI TIME!!!

So, I sent out a prayer request today to a couple of very close girlfriends...mostly women that have fertility issues, or have overcome fertility issues. Oh, and those special people that I think know me better than I know myself.

Tomorrow is a big day...Jamie is having sperm analysis and I'm having insemenation.

Please, keep this confidential, but PLEASE pray about this. AND PLEASE don't talk to Jamie about this. He's having some pride issues.

Okay, specific prayers....

1. Jamie relax and know that we doing this because we really want a baby and this is the best gift he can ever give me. Happy Anniversary (may15th)

2. I can relax and not get my cortisol levels all out of wack. (Stress is bad for TTC)

3. They don't mix up the sperm at the andro lab and we find out 9 months later when my baby is born with an afro wearing Air Jordan's.

4. Dr. Irwin's experience, knowledge and guidance is able to shine through and help put me at ease.

5. That this works really well, but doesn't turn me into OctoMom version 2.0.

6. That Christ is there the entire process with us. Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Okay, I think that about covers it! lol I know you can tell I'm VERY nervous.

I cannot tell you how much I value your friendship. I don't know where I would be without you as a support system.

I got some AMAZING responses. Here are a couple of my faves.

Aimee,

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. WE have been there and done that....I know what you are going through. That is exactly the path we had to take to have our wonderful Nathan, now 7 years old!

Take care!
Lisa


sigh... just warm fuzzies going through me. BE BLESSED.
Everyone always
asks about you. I cant wait to report Im gonna be a another "cinny" to a little
one.

Genesis 49:25 (New International Version)
because of your
father's God, who helps you,
because of the Almighty,
who blesses you with blessings of the heavens above,
blessings of the deep that lies below,
blessings of the breast and womb.
Amen.
-Cindy

I pray that you both would feel God's spirit of peace over this day and the day's events. I pray that you can feel His mighty arms wrapped around you, holding you through it all. I pray God's perfect wisdom and guidance for your doctor and staff. I pray for the perfect sperm and the perfect egg to match up. I pray for your joy in receiving a positive test and I pray for God's protection over you and your precious baby to be. I pray for that first kick you will feel and the joy it will bring. I pray for a healthy pregancy and safe delivery and a perfect flawless
baby. I pray to God for you to know the joy of holding your precious baby in your arms. Nothing is too big for our God. Don't be afraid to get your hopes up. One day in God's perfect timing it will happen and maybe (I'm praying) this is it.

John 14:27- Jesus: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Love you and praying for you!
Donna

I will keep you in my thought and my prayers!!
1. Tell him to wear loose boxers and do some deep breathing before watching the porn for
assistance.
2. Have half a bag of Dove Chocolates and breathe!
3. If you DO get a baby with an afro chances are he is going to be good a basketball and hopefully get a scholarship and into the NBA and take care you and Jamie when you are old and grey.
4. They don’t give just anybody a doctors license.
5. If you do get 8, the good news about that is you will probably have to only go through labor once and you will get your own reality TV show “Aimee and Jamie…Party of 10”???
6. The Lord is always with you!

Last but not least you have great amazing friends and family to hold your hand all the way to the finish line!!!!

P.S to the sperm…….SWIM BOYS SWIM!!!!
Love ya!!
Jakelyn

You are funny ...afro:). Will do, you are on my list.
Oh key lime pie was a hit.
-Vanessa

Will do, we are going in on the 11th. I will keep you posted.
Love,
Trish

Long Time No Blog

That's because this whole buying and selling a house business has sucked the life out of me. I honestly don't even want to blog about it because I'm so irritated at this point and I'm trying to just let it go.

Some good news is I don't need shoulder surgery. I've been doing the physical therapy pretty hard core. There is a small tear in my labrum, but not worth having surgery unless my symptoms get worse. It really only hurts when I work. **sigh** I try to be pretty diligent about stretching out before, during and after work.

On the TTC front, I'm CD 14 and no dice on the monitor or the opk.

Really irritating thing happened. I have a VERY good friend that was trying for over a year to get pregnant. I was ecstatic for her when she finally did get pregnant after being told ART was her only option. The thing is, she bitched and moaned the entire time I was with her last weekend about how fat she is. Ummm, no you way 125 pounds at 21 weeks. You're fine...you were just a twig before.

Hard to Describe

I've been working with the group that does Summer Kids Club and got invited to check into doing some skits on Sunday mornings for the kids. I have to say, I've been feeling this pull that I've been resisting. When I was in there today I had to leave the room to cry. It's just so overwhelming. These precious kids singing about the Love Jesus has for them. These parents that entrust them to our care every week. I was just overcome. I think this is where I'm supposed to be, but it's just so hard. I don't have a family. Some would argue that Jamie is my family, but I feel really disconnected because of where he is at spiritually. I feel really alone. I just don't know when it will finally be MY turn to have a baby.

It Doesn't Get Any Easier

Brown spotting tonight. I will probably start my period in 2-3 days.

I called the office to go over all of the instructions, fees and insurance for iui.

Now I'm just waiting for my period, so that I can wait to ovulate, so that I can wait to test.

I'm doing a lot of waiting. I will wait and I will pray.

Prayer is the discipline by which God gives us the ability to wait. To preserve. To dream again. And to trust.

-Angela Thomas

I'm Out.

I just know it. All the symptoms are there. I'm sure I will start my period sometime next week.

It never gets easier.