A Quiet House is a Sad House

Well, Gracie went in for her spay today. I love that dog in a way that is probably neurotic to most people. Jamie feels the same. There is a really sweet vet tech that has bonded with Gracie at all of her puppy visits and seeing her today and knowing she would be in the surgery made me feel better. I was okay dropping her off.

Coming home to a big, empty, quiet house is a different story. No wiggle butt here to lick my face and gaze at me with those big brown eyes. No sound of panting, or sniffing around. None of that funny little exhale sigh that I suspect only Boxers do. The depression hits me hard when I'm in an empty house. It makes me realize that much more how much she's done to calm my anxiety and focus my attention on something other than myself and my pain. This little puppy made me happy again when my heart felt so broken and I am so thankful for her and her little turned up snout.

An Underwater Oil Leak

I was listening to the latest on the BP oil leak and thought about how life's bigger issues are sometimes like an underwater oil leak.

Those really big, life changing issues gush out in a huge rush at first. You FREAK out because you have no idea how you're going to fix it. It's under the surface and you don't think anyone will notice, but soon enough it starts flowing on shore. You try to do it all by yourself, but you just cannot manage. By that time there is a huge mess and you need everyone to help you. You cry out to God, your closest friends and family, anyone who will listen. Sharing with them helps slow the leak. It's not entirely fixed, but it isn't erupting at a break neck pace. It's slower, more controlled. The issue is still there, but you have the team you need to help you clean up your mistake and move forward. The incident will be something you remember forever and will likely leave a stain on your heart until the day you die, but you get past it.

Sisterly Love

So, my sister and I bonded in a big way. I was praying for the right moment, the right opportunity, to speak my heart when she opened up and said the unexpected. These where things I knew in my heart, but wasn't able to really see as the truth because she denied it so much. Funny thing is you can feel miles apart from someone, have totally different struggles, but when you get down to it you both have the same faulty wiring.

Sam and I are nothing alike. We were never close as children. She was seven years younger than me. I spent the first 3 years of her life adoring her...until she wanted to copy me, follow me, do everything I did...about age 13 or 14 I decided I needed space from the whole family. I felt like I was suffocating in a secret. A lie. This secret was way past ripe. It was rotting. Right off the vine. It made me stink to the core. Sam didn't get the courtesy of full disclosure because of her age. Looking back, I see how this made it that much harder for her to understand my separation from her.

For a long time I dealt with feelings that I couldn't seem to make other people (therapists, counselors, pastors, mentors, my husband) understand. I felt like I abandoned her. I left her behind. She was safe, but I left during that time where our age made us worlds apart and wondered if we would ever be true friends. As young adults we were kind to one another, but I would have never thought of her when I was listing friends.

The grief, anxiety and self hate I was suffering with was eating at her too. In my gut I knew all along she was hurting, but her tornado went a different way from my hurricane. While we were both volatile forces, we both dealt with it in our own ways. Somehow opening that door and letting everything out brought us to a place of understanding. She and I both were hurt by things out of our control.

I love my sister. I always have, but we're different now and I am happy for this change.

The Thing About Blogging

I have thoughts swirl around all the time. I think about blogging them, but I don't. It's weird, but I think after much prayer I know why. By writing it down it's real. It's a record. I can look back at it and remember how I felt at that moment and sometimes I don't want to remember these feelings. I want to just wake up and pretend it's all a dream. Something that never happened.

By all accounts life is good. Jamie and I are sailing smoothly...minus the occasional hiccup every couple finds themselves in. After a year and a half I am finally in my permanent home. I have a sweet little puppy that makes me smile. My depression meds are working and I am considering talking to the MD about weaning off of them.

Still, I don't blog. These thoughts swirl, and I leave them there. I should let it out, but I hold in the pieces and pray I see the full puzzle picture soon.

Long Overdue

So, it took me a long time to write this and it is long overdue.

The pathology reports came back as a partial mole pregnancy. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/molar_pregnancy/hic_partial_molar_pregnancy.aspx

This means 6 to 12 months before we can start trying again. My life on hold. Again.

The hormone storm was raging. When you think about it I have been pregnant off and on since December. My hcg levels where as high as they were going to get to support a pregnancy and when they left I had the "baby blues" without a baby. This is something that is not often discussed and I didn't even know it was a possibility. How can you have postpartum depression without a child? Yes, I was sad because I lost a child, but this was MORE than that. I was having thoughts of driving my car into a line of trees...not suicidal, I just wanted a "break". I was enraged by any little thing and poor Jamie got the brunt of my crazy. I blamed the restless nights on staying at Extended Stay America while the house was being finished, but when I went to the doctor and really said it all...laid it all out...it made perfect sense when he told me it was ppd.

I am a control freak by nature and as much as I hate to admit it having my "things" in storage for the last 16 months has been a tremendous strain. I love Jamie, but staying in a hotel room for longer than a week was never something I thought we would have to do.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made this year and see how much depression and hormones caused me to react in ways I would have never otherwise reacted. I hurt a lot of people.

Looking forward, I am keeping my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on June 8th. I am going to work on feeling better. Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

When it gets right down to it I am blessed. I am blessed and I need to be thankful. Instead of looking at all the flaws of my life I need to look at all the good things.

Who Do I Lean On?

So, Jamie and I were talking about things this weekend. We had some alone time. Not easy since we are living with friends while the house is being finished, but we went to a hotel and chilled just the two of us. Of course, the loss was brought up. Jamie said he felt bad because he's supposed to be there for me to lean on, but who is he supposed to lean on. Certainly not his family. The dynamic is just off. Sad, but true. It's hard to explain. It hurts me so much to know they have this amazing son that they really haven't bothered to get to know and really don't show any interest in spending time together. Family is supposed to be who you call when things get tough, but neither one of us do that. We confide in each other. We are our only family. And when we need someone more than each other we lean on the family we've created. Amazing friends. There for you no matter what. It doesn't matter if you are feeling crazy and most people would leave you alone to self destruct THESE people...the people that matter...are THERE. You know who you are. Love you.

Even Keel

So, I finally feel like the dust is settling a little.

Yesterday I had some physical pain that felt like a lot of pressure, but thankfully it's almost gone. I just didn't expect to be hurting a week later.

The hormones must be leveling out because I'm not nearly as emotional. I am bracing myself for a melt down tomorrow. *sigh* I know...it sounds stupid. I just think if I expect it I can pray about it and it will be okay.

It's funny because all last week my girls were emailing, calling and checking on me and I just wanted to be alone. Today some kind of page flipped in my mind and I felt lonely and had to call girls until someone finally answered. I know...pathetic.

My mom's okay...she has arthritis in her neck, an infection in her lung and high cholesterol.

As far as the house goes...only time will tell. I did pick out a bad ass lone star door today.

Today's Roller Coaster

So, I was going to have breakfast with mom this morning and either she would ask about the huge bruise and iv puncture wound on the back of my hand, or she was just going to ignore my fictional drug problem. I waited and and about 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there I called...mad...because my mom is always either late or forgets. This time it was neither and I felt like an ass for being mad. The ambulance was arriving at her house because she was having chest pains.

I am hysterical at this point. The thought of my mom being gone before I really had a chance to be clear with her was too much. The thought spending time in a hospital near her husband just put me over the edge. After all, she already picked. He is the one that can be there for her, I cannot. She picked and this was her decision, not mine. I'm angry that in the face of the anxiety about what's going to happen to my mom the old family dynamic opens up a vein of hurt.

So, I get to the hospital and as if there was any doubt she cleared it right up when the ER staff says only one guest. I tell her husband I'm just going to be a minute to check on her, hug her and leave. Luckily, he agrees to this because she's telling the personnel her husband must accompany her. She looked fine. Vitals were normal, speaking and acting like herself. Nothing out of the ordinary. She describes the pain to me and it sounds like it could be her anxiety, acid reflux or gerd. I leave.

I come back after they admit her to take her favorite treat...cherry jelly beans. I ask if there is anything else she needs and because I SUCK as a human being I actually get upset that she asks me to go buy her some pajamas. Who the hell gets upset about running an errand for their mother when 4 hours prior they were upset their mom may be having a heart attack? Apparently, immature self centered people like myself.

On the way to buy the pajamas I tried to figure out what was hurting me so much. Why was I feeling so hateful about something I should feel so grateful to be able to do? Then, it occurred to me...I really wanted to be able to open up and share with her today and I just cannot. It drives me crazy that even though I haven't point blank told her anything, she doesn't know me well enough to know what's really happening. Is that my fault for shutting her out all this time, or is it her fault for always sticking her head in the sand? I don't really know. Maybe it's nobody's fault because even though we are related we really don't know each other at all.

Then, I reflected on January's miscarriage when I sat in church and cried like a baby and Cindy's mom sat right there, not knowing anything, but knowing everything. I asked Cindy about that today and she said her mom asked her if I lost a baby because nobody cries like that over a house. She knew without even being told because she knows me and sees me more often than my own mom. How is that? How can someone else's mom know me better than my own?

How did it get to this point? How do I even repair this?

Work...I Just Could Not Do It

I had to leave.

This morning I really talked myself into going. I wanted to just call in. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and makeup, ate breakfast, packed a lunch, got dressed and left for the day. I zoned out on the way there. The CD I was listening too was stupid. Carrie Underwood is an idiot and she clearly has issues if no man wants to stick around a cute blonde like her. I got to work 2 minutes until 8am. My first patient never showed up, so I restocked my room and developed some xrays for my co-worker. I was resisting the urge to call my friend, Amie. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I felt like I really needed to talk to her. So when my friend, Becky, called I walked out to the stairwell and took the call. I just lost it. Ugly cry. All the make up washed away. I went back inside and told the receptionist that I couldn't work today and needed to tell the doctor. He was very kind about it. I could tell he was concerned. He wanted Jamie to come get me, but I knew that would only make me feel worse. I decided to have a cream soda and calm down. I drove home. Numb. I feel sort of better now that I'm snuggled next to my pillow with my laptop on my tummy. I still want to cry and just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't get it. I felt reasonably good all weekend. The emotions would come in small waves, but today...going back to "normal" just felt impossible.

Jamie and I have a world of emotions going on between the two of us right now. He wants me to lean on him, but I know he needs space to feel his own grief. He's feeling it this time. It was real to him. The bruises from the iv in some weird way are an outward sign to a guy that bad stuff went on. Talking to the doctor, seeing a head, body and tiny little arms and legs, hearing a heart beat. This time it was real to him and he's finally feeling the pain I've felt with each loss. I cannot imagine feeling all three at once.

I keep checking for fever. I feel achy all over and just tired. I don't know if it's just the pain of the grief, hormones out of whack, or actual pain finally setting in. I just feel like I want to hide in a hole.

Sigh

I've been putting off writing this all day. I know I need to do it now, or I never will. I also know I will feel better after writing it. Where to start.

So, I had a dream the night before about a deep sea fishing trip. Jamie and I caught some sort of rare fish. These fish were unusual because they had four spots along their tails similar to the single spot a red fish would have. These fish were huge...there was no hiding them from the game warden. I tried, but we were busted. I told Jamie about the dream on our way to the hospital and he agreed it was weird for me to dream about fishing.

We parked in spot number 4 in the garage.

Jamie did a great job of keeping me calm during the waiting. He brought a laptop and dvds (even New Moon...totally for me). He was patient the entire time and was very attentive to anything I needed when we came home.

I have to say that Woman's Hospital of Texas earned their rank on US Reports top 50. Every single medical auxiliary was kind beyond measure. Each and every time I met someone new they introduced themselves, explained what they would be doing and skillfully did their job. Everyone took their time with me and did everything they could to cause me as little discomfort as possible. There had to be at least 8-10 people that took care of me while I was there and every single one of them was outstanding. The little things like jazz music playing before surgery, heated hospital gowns and new entertainment magazines to pass the time really helped me stay calm as silly as it may seem.

Jamie LOVES Dr. Pinell. Yes, that's right...Mr. Picky couldn't say enough nice things about him. He was really comforted by the interaction they had and told me he could tell he genuinely cared.

So, I'm hooked up to my IV and in a bed waiting for surgery and I notice the bed across from me is #5. I tip my head back to read what bed I'm in...you guessed it. Four.

Before surgery Dr. Pinell shared with me about how after 5 live births and 4 miscarriages it never got easier for him and his wife when they lost a child. He told me he was sure it was even more painful for us since we don't have any children and that we should keep trying because they are worth it. Seriously, he is the kindest person and I feel so blessed to have him as my doctor. At this point, I think God (Fisher of Men...remember the fish dream?) is telling me FOUR. Sadly, I think He's telling me there is one more loss ahead, but after that it will be okay.

I wake up in recovery and a very nice nurse named Carmen gave me some Demerol. When she's trying to get me to wake up a little more and leave the post op room she starts visiting with me. I of course ask her about her children. You guessed it...four. She tells me that her fourth child, Kevin, was a surprise baby. She also told me they didn't think he would make it since he was born prematurely and the first year of his life was touch and go. So, now I start thinking God is telling me baby #4 will be the one and this will all be over.

Of course I prayed. I don't know what He is saying with four, but I know he's saying it. Either one more loss ahead, or the next baby I will get to hold in my arms. I don't know, but I do know I matter to God and so do each of my babies.

As far as my recovery goes, it's been easy. I know I am covered in prayer because without it I would be a big ole mess. I've had very little pain and have taken nothing more than Advil for any cramps. The bleeding is so light I barely need a panty liner. Physically, I feel better than expected. As far as emotions go, they come and go like waves. I will be fine, then it will hit me what happened. I don't know if it is the hormones, or if this is just normal grief. I miss that heart beat. I know Jamie does too. He's angry. He looks at himself as my protector and there is nothing he can do to protect me from this. He's helpless.

I have a post op appointment on the 27th. I don't think all of the pathology will be complete then. In the meantime, I had all of my records from the RE transferred over. They ran so many tests last summer I just want to be sure nothing fell through the cracks.

I have a great support system that is lifting me up in prayer. I'm sad, but blessed.

Pre Op

Today. Sad day...pre op. I had another sonogram. For sure no cardiac activity. I did take another photo home of our baby. The baby was finally looking a little more like a person and less like a blob and it just felt right to have. I think it made Jamie more upset though because he wasn't just looking at a blob that had a heartbeat 4 days ago. He bought me flowers.

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I know I will get through it, but I'm just nervous about the unknown. There was quite a bit of cramping tonight and I was hoping to just do this naturally at home, but I don't think that's going to happen and I don't want to sit around and wait for the inevitable. I just want to get it over with. That was the big difference between the ectopic and January's miscarriage. The ectopic dragged on and on, but the last miscarriage was fast and I was able to move on with my grief better.

I'm on the fence about telling my mom and sister. ugh...it's just so hard because I don't want to have to comfort them, but at the same time I feel unfair not letting them in. I just don't have clarity in it.

Heavy Heart

So, there was no heart beat at today's sonogram. He looked and looked. I have the best doctor and nurse in the world. They held me while I cried.

Baby measured right on. 8w6d. He said it must have stopped beating in the last 24 hours. I heard it last night about 7pm, so he was right on. I think I just want to do the D and C and get it over with. Two months of healing before we can try again.

This feels surreal. I don't understand. One ectopic, one natural miscarriage, one missed miscarriage.

God, I know you promise to take me THROUGH the valley. you will not leave me here. Amen.

Update

Well, the next ultrasound is tomorrow and I will be 9 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. I get more and more ancy to tell our family every day and I think Jamie feels the same.

I haven't spotted in almost two weeks!! Yay!

As far as symtoms are concerned they sort of come and go. One day I will be exausted, another day peachy. One day I will have sore breasts, the next day no problem. About the only thing that's constant is my love for bland carbs and no spice...the tummy is just too sensitive.

My saving grace is the home doppler I got in the mail on Friday. The first time Jamie heard the heartbeat on it he laughed and said Justin Timberlake should sample it for his next hit single. haha

We finally closed on the townhouse and I tried not to overly exert myself with the move, but Saturday night I had some sharp stabbing pains on the right side. Luckily, I knew the baby and that precious heartbeat are settled on my left side and just put my feet up and rested. LOVE the doppler. It's so reassuring. It's nice not only because it eases my daily anxiety, but because I think I will be able to better enjoy my appointment tomorrow knowing the heartbeat will still be there when I go in.

125 Beats Per Minute

What a fabulous heartbeat, PRAISE GOD! I could see it just flickering so fast right away. I could hear the swish, swish, swish of MY BABY. My baby, inside me. It took everything in me not to break down and cry right there on the sonogram table.

With the brown spotting I'm still at a 20% chance for miscarriage and have a refill script for progesterone. The level was good (33).

Something did show up out of level on my thyroid screening, so they took another vial of blood for a full range.

As far as my doctor is concerned the symptoms I have (sore breasts, fatigue, nausea) are good. I of course was concerned they come and go and he said that can happen.

Today was kind of a bad day for nausea and fatigue. I worked through it and as always was happy to have it since it's a sign things are going well.

Yay Another Sonogram Tomorrow!

I'm so excited that I may be able to really see the heart beat tomorrow. I pray everything is the right size and in the right place.

As far as symptoms go they seem to come and go in waves. Nausea, heartburn, constipation, heavy/tight/full feeling breasts, skin break out....The thing about symptoms is I'm glad to have them. They tell me everything is okay and progressing. It's those tricky times where I feel good that I start doubting.

Morning Sickness is a Misnomer

It should be called All Damn Day Sickness.

It's a great sign that things are right were they need to be and I'm trilled to have it.

That's all. Carry on.

Houston, We Have a Heart Beat

Okay, so here it is...the sonogram. Dr. Pinell says he saw a flicker of a heart beat and if he had to guess he would say about 100 for the heart rate (very normal). He said we are not out of the woods yet and the miscarriage rate is still 20-25% at this point.

Jamie was very excited he only saw one gestational sac, but Dr. Pinell made sure to tell him there could be a second hiding out. haha

The next step will be another sonogram next week and review the SEVEN vials of blood work they drained from me. Vampires.

I'm really excited to have this photo and have some proof there is blood flowing between me and my baby, I'm a life source right now for this .23cm miracle that God has blessed us with.

Good Gravy

I'm tired.

That's all. Carry on.

Mild Cramping

I've had mild cramping since the week of the positive home pregnancy test. Everyone in my fertility support group said it was normal and they had it too, but I still worried. The funny thing is now that I'm not experiencing the aches and cramping I feel like something might be wrong. I need to just stop worrying and enjoy this pregnancy. I just know I will feel so much better when we see the heart beat on Tuesday.

Oh, and Jamie and I talked it over and we think a Mother's Day Brunch (right at 12 weeks) will be the perfect way to announce to our parents together about the new grandbaby.

Oblivious or Good Manners?

Either my friends and family are oblivious, or they have exceptionally good manners. I was so concerned that people would notice I wasn't drinking wine and only one person said anything. Actually, that one person thought I'd been tipping the bottle because I was being my normal goofy self. As an added bonus I got to look like Super Friend when I sent two ladies home with 1/2 full bottles of the stuff they loved from the night. Nobody even noticed that I didn't eat soft cheeses! yay! It went well.